Greetings on this Friday and Valentine’s Day! I’m not going to make a big fuss about that fact, as I agree with my daughter, Joya, that it is just an overblown commercial, Hallmark, and chocolate industry, not to mention florist day to exploit all of us!
But it is a Friday and so we can still say TGIF! Or as the Brits call it, POETS Day – Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday!
Being retired has somewhat diminished my enthusiasm for Fridays! But it remains one of my favorite days of the week.
My last TGIF issue was a month ago. One former WFP colleague sent me an email last week and asked to be added to my mailing list, as she hadn’t been aware that I was still doing this. I assured her that it is not as regular as it once was! I think that last year I only produced about a dozen of them. Of course, it also depends on the existence of material to use. And now, it’s basically down to Debba, who provides 80% of the material that I use. I have cut and pasted the available material below for this issue, but pretty much have used up all the stuff that I can use and so it may be months before the next edition, if you others don’t submit some stuff.
It's time to talk about the winter weather here in Vermont. We’ve had a lot of 2 inch snow storms in January. Recently we finally had some with more than that and more is on the way, it seems. I did ski quite a few times in January. Last week I had a pretty bad fall on a steep slope. It was what they call a “yard sale”! I lost both skis and poles. Fortunately, I was not hurt, other than a swollen finger. And a bruised ego!
Our men’s full contact, knock down, doubles ping pong, BYB group plays every Monday night. We usually have 7 or 8 players. The average age is about 78! We do have fun, though!
I guess that it’s time to share with you now what is left in the TGIF in box. It’s now empty!
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The following joke was nominated as the worlds’ worst joke.
A couple is at dinner, celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. A fairy appeared: you two have had an ideal marriage and I am going to grant each of you wish. Susan: “I’ve always wanted to go on vacation and travel in style.” Poof! two tickets for the best suite on a Caribbean cruise. Harvey: I’m selfish; I want to travel with a woman who is 30 years younger.” poof! he turned 93!
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Marv had suffered through Dorothy’s awful cooking for years. One evening, Marv comes home and Dorothy apologized: “The cat ate the dinner.”. “That’s OK, I’ll get you a new cat.”
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Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".
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Two Doctors
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun.”
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have intercourse for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?”
"Yeah, how did you know?”
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?”
"Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?”
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
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Career Change
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.
So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said: "no, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
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Dinner Guest
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, "I know all that.”
The wife looked at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace. "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
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Getting Older
Three old men at a nursing home are complaining about the various indignities that come with getting old.
“Turning 70 really sucks,” says the youngest of the three. “All of a sudden I can’t pee when I want and they tell me I might need prostate surgery if I ever want to pee freely again.”
“That’s nothing,” says the next oldest. “Once I turned 80 I discovered I was constipated all the time regardless of what I ate. These days, it takes an official act of Congress just to have a bowel movement.”
“Man, you wimps have it easy,” says the oldest of the three. “Once I hit 90 I started peeing every day at 5:00 A.M. and pooping at 6:00 A.M., as regular as clockwork.”
The other two men looked at him in confusion and finally asked, “What’s so bad about peeing every morning at 5:00 and pooping at 6:00?”
The oldest man just grinned ruefully and said, “I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
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The Earring
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings.”
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say: "So, ah... how long have you been wearing one?”
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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A Good Bet
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.” The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass.
“Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!”
“Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together. The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100.
“Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?”
The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”
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Garden Snakes
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
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I dare to ponder that this may be the last TGIF for awhile as I have no material to use. So, it’s up to you – and I’m not just talking to Debba!
I wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day and a wonderful weekend!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
