Greetings from your Friday fun guy on this last Friday of the first half of 2024! Summer is breaking out all over and things are getting busy. I would not be issuing this one today if it weren’t for the fact that we had three consecutive rainy days last weekend and so I used my time indoors to look through the jokes in my inbox and cut-and-paste what I have for you below.
Not many of you appreciated my attempt at educating you about the game of cricket in last Friday’s issue. Oh well, after all, it is very complicated and difficult to explain cricket to someone who knows nothing about the game. The tournament going on now is a limited “overs” (sic “innings) of only 20 of them for each team. The next step up is 50 overs which takes about 3 hours for each team to bat; so almost a whole day affair. But the old-time traditionalists prefer the 5 day test matches. I don’t care too much for those. Neither did my American friend who lived in our neighborhood in Pakistan. Rick used to say that “we could go to the test cricket match OR we could stay home and watch the grass grow”!
It's been a normal week here for me. Played bridge on Monday afternoon and watched the Stanley Cup final match on TV on Monday night. Then played with my senior men’s golf group on Tuesday morning. Then did some yard work in the afternoon. On Wednesday, I spent a lot of time indoors going through old family photos that have lived in boxes in the basement since I retired. I wish I had written dates on them as my mom used to do. In fact, she typed little descriptions on paper and glued them on the back giving the date, location and identifying everyone in the pics. Unfortunately, that trait did not get transferred from her to me. So, I’m struggling. But I’ll manage.
I had my best round of golf today, playing with Dave and Declan. I shot 42-42= 84. I missed a hole-in-one on the last hole by a half inch. The ball was on the edge of the hole. I jumped up and down next to it, but it wouldn’t fall in. So, I only got a “birdie”. At least I didn’t have to buy a round of drinks for everyone afterwards.
Earlier this Thursday evening, I attended the annual meeting of the Springfield Food Co-op. They provided us a meal and great desserts and not too long of a business meeting. They even had a raffle for 3 door prizes. I won one of them which was a $25 gift certificate from the Co-op. So, I made out quite well. As I draft this, the two presidential candidates are getting ready to square off in the first presidential debate tonight in Atlanta. And the Team USA men’s soccer team is playing now as well and I have set both of those to record, while I finish this. Since I have lots of stuff to share, I’ll end this intro. I’m looking forward to getting in the lake this weekend. Last week, they had seen some cyano-bacteria blooms and cautioned us not to go in. In any case, it rained for the 3 days we were there. Apparently, we’ve been given the “all clear” this week and the water temperature is getting up to the point where I’ll venture in.
So, tonight, it is Biden and Trump. Then there was Clinton and the Pope:
Bill Clinton and the Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope happen to die on the same day, but for some reason the Pope ends up in Hell. He complains to the staff, and they look in his papers and say “Yes, you’re absolutely right, there has been a mix up. But you have to wait 24 hours here, but don’t worry, no fires or other nasty things, you get a room to wait in.” The Pope is satisfied and waits in his room.
24 hours later he is taken to two escalators, one going up and one coming down. He gets on the one going up. After a while he sees that it is Bill Clinton coming down. What do you say to a man you have condemned to eternity in Hell?
When the Pope is in talking range, he says to Clinton “You must excuse me but the reason I became a priest and eventually the Pope was that I wanted to meet Virgin Mary.” Clinton then calmly replies “Well then, my friend, you are 24 hours to late!”
* * * * * * * *
Adam and Eve
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden. The three stare at it intently. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British."
The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French."
The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again. "No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"
* * * * * * * *
"To the tune of 'My Favorite Things’”
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a-few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
* * * * * * * *
Visiting Moscow
Fred and Gladys, lifelong admirers of the great Russian revolution, decided to go to Moscow to celebrate their Golden Wedding anniversary.
Winter was coming in and they felt a few drops hit them lightly as they walked hand in hand across Red Square.
“Ah, snow.” said Gladys.
“No,” said Fred, “I’m sure it’s only rain.”
“Snow.” insisted Gladys. “It’s just melting as soon as it hits the pavement.”
“Ah. it’s our anniversary; we shouldn’t be arguing.” said Fred. “Let’s ask a local what they think.”
So, together, they approached a man wearing a large, furry Russian hat and, in their best Russian accents asked
“Excuse me sir, This is our first visit to your wonderful city. Would you please tell us if it’s raining or snowing?”
The man smiled indulgently at them. “Good morning - and welcome to Moscow. My name is Rudolph and I am indeed a Muscovite. And I can confidently tell you that it is indeed raining.”
They thanked him and went on their way. Out of earshot Fred turned to ‘Gladys.
“Well I’m afraid you’ll have to concede this time - - -
(Why? You wonder.)
(Wait for it!)
“Rudoph the Red knows rain, dear!”
* * * * * * * *
Dilbert(isms)
Dilbert is an American comic strip and his one liners are famous. They are all classic!
*Here are few Dilbert's one liners:*
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
3. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
4. When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.
5. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
6. Born free, taxed to death.
7. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
8. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
9. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
10. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
11. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
12. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
13. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
14. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three was the genius.
15. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
16. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
17. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
18. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
19. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
20. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
21. Hot glass looks same as cold glass - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
22. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
23. Someday is not a day of the week
24. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
25. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
26. The road to success ....is always under construction.
27. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Tea, Coffee or Milk.
28. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
* * * * * * * *
Heaven Awaits
Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise.
So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: "I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter." The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse then says, "I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best." The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.
"And you?" He asks the third nurse.
"I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients," she answers confidently.
The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman's file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven... for five days!"
* * * * * * * *
A Measured Response
A guy walks into a bar carrying a small monkey under his arm. He goes up to the bar, orders a pint, then puts the monkey down. And the monkey is off! Jumping onto all the tables and eating everything it can find. Then suddenly it jumps up onto the pool table, picks up the cue ball, opens his mouth wide and swallows it down. The barman says to the guy ‘did you see that?’ and the guy says ‘no what?’ The barman says ‘your monkey was just running around the room eating stuff off all the tables and then he jumped up onto the pool table and swallowed the cue ball down!’ The guy says sorry and that he always eats everything, offers to pay for the cue ball and then picks up his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar, carrying the same money, and sits down at the bar. He orders another beer and puts the monkey down. And he off again! Jumping up onto all the tables looking for food when suddenly he jumps up onto the bar, picks an olive out of a bowl, shoves it up it’s arse, takes it out again and then eats it! The barman says to the guy ‘Did you see that?’ and the guy replies ‘no what?’ The barman tells him that his monkey was running all over the pub looking for food, and then jumped up onto the bar, took an olive out of the bowl, shoved it up it’s arse, then took it out again and ate it. The guy just chuckles to himself and says ‘Yeah sorry. He still eats everything he can, but since swallowing your cue ball two weeks ago, he now measures everything first!
* * * * * * * *
An Irishman’s Dying Wish
Patrick O'Rourke was lyin’ on his death bed and sitting next to him was his childhood best friend, Michael Murphy.
Michael looks down at Patrick and asks, “Ough, Patty, is there anything I can do for ya, ‘t ease your passin’?”
Patrick looks up at his best friend and says, “Aye, Michael, it would be grand if you spoke to me dear mother in Ireland and tell her how I died.”
Michael answers, “Tink nothin’ of it, of course I will.”
Patrick thinks a minute and continues, “And over there in me dresser, in the top drawer, way in the back, is a bottle of 30-year-old Irish whiskey that I’ve been savin’. Would you be a good lad and pore it over me grave after I’m gone?”
Michael pauses a moment and then responds, “I’ll do that for ya, Patty – But would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?”
* * * * * * * *
Scared Stiff!
When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know. When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life. That bastard had a twin.
* * * * * * * *
Okay, although this one has been rather long, I do have on TGIF Golden Classic to share:
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the lady’s department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'In fact, despite the abundance of options, there are essentially only four types of bras available to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
oh, and they forgot the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen!!
* * * * * * * *
It’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend and a super summer!
I may be too busy in the next few weeks to spend time on this hobby. That does not prevent you from sending me any humor that might come across your screen devices.
Dianne and I are looking forward to planned opportunities to gather with family this summer.
Until the next time, take care!
TGI-Jeff
