Greetings on this Friday, the last day of the work week. And also, the last day of a very hot 3-4 day heat spell to hit the country and the northeast. It’s going to be warm today but not like the hot temperatures of the last 3 days. We had some thunderstorms on Thursday which likely caused some flash floods, but also led to the break of the heat. The temperature of the water here at the lake in NH is rising, but Dianne assured me that the warm temps are only near the surface and not below that!
We had a great alumni weekend last week! Our class had its 55th and although the turnout was less that anticipated, we all had a great time getting together again, and reminiscing about our great times in high school. Friday was the annual SHS golf scramble tournament which has become a big event and hit. We had almost 34 teams this year. Rain was forecasted but we managed to avoid most of that. Our class of 1969 fielded 2 foursomes for that day.
On Saturday morning we had the SHS Alumni Parade. Our class decided not to spend time and effort on a float this year. Instead, we arranged to have a flatbed being pulled by a pickup and about 30 chairs on it. Some of us walked along the 2-mile route and handed out candy to the little kids along the parade route. We probably had about 40 classmates there, 25 riding and about 15 walking. I managed to walk for most of it.
In the afternoon, we gathered at Dale and Marie’s place on Eureka Road and had a great time. The class arranged to have a caterer organize food and everyone brought starters, and desserts and their own drinks. It was great reconnecting with old friends. The weather cooperated!
My best friend in HS and best man when I married Pam in 1977, Tod Lawrence, was there with is wife and family, including all his family, as they rented a house that his parents had owned in the 1970s that is now an Airbnb. They must have had 20 of their family members there.
On Sunday night, although most of the Lawrence clan had already departed, Dianne and I went up to join Tod, Robyn and Samantha for a nice dinner and conversation.
To this day, I call Tod “Prez” as he was the president of our 1969 class, and he calls me “Cappy” as I was the captain our high school basketball team.
A good local friend of mine, after having learned that the ICC World 20 overs championship was taking place in the USA and West Indies, suggested that I offer some explanations as to how the game of cricket is played.
So, I offer the following. However, if any of you other “cricket-loving” fans have other descriptions about the game of cricket, please provide them.
Although the following seems somewhat non-sensical, it is actually totally accurate.
Cricket Explained to a Foreigner
· You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
· Each man that’s in the side that’s in the field goes out and when he’s out comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
· When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
· When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
· Sometimes there are men still in and not out.
· There are men called umpires who stay out all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are out.
· Depending on the weather and the light, the umpires can also send everybody in, no matter whether they’re in or out.
· When both sides have been in and all the men are out (including those who are not out), then the game is finished.
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Say What?
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."
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Priest in Hell
A priest appears at the gate to hell. Surprised, because priests were rare in hell, a demon gets curious and jumps into the priest's path. "How'd you die?" he thunders at him.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
Demon: "Alright, what happened?"
Priest: "Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed."
Demon: "Well that'd give some a heart attack alright. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell?"
Priest: "Well, I was receiving confessionals when a boy walked in and said "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." I asked what he did. He said "I broke someone's windows, popped a tire on his Harley, and stole all his tools." I had a heart attack while I was chasing that little bastard."
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Good Comeback
In 1966, wooden-legged Shock Jock Joe Pyne the original confrontational TV host had as his guest Frank Zappa, the composer-musician Genius of Weirdness.
Right off the bat in his usual aggressive, insulting opening, Pyne delivers an insult to Zappa thusly:
JOE PYNE: “So, Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?.”
Without even a moment’s hesitation, Zappa snapped back:
FRANK ZAPPA: “So, Joe, you have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?.”
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Brains
A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So, we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."
"Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor.
The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."
The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"
The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"
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Punctuation???
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!'
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Please Create a New Password
Today I opened a new email account, I always use the same password: "cabbage". It's easy to remember. But it seems the computer had other plans…
Please enter your new password: "cabbage" Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage" Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage" Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages" Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages" Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow” Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow” Sorry, that password is already in use!
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Bad Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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No Problems At All!
Three old guys are sitting on a park bench, talking about life, and about the struggles of aging. First one says, I’m having a heck of a time taking a crap. I strain, I groan, it hurts. Nothing seems to help.
Second guy says, my problem is peeing. Gotta stand there for a few minutes to get it started. It dribbles, it spray, takes forever, and ten minutes later I have to go again.
Third guy says, Well, I’m totally regular. Empty my bladder at 7 am, like clockwork. Around eight, every morning, I take a big dump. No problem. I wake up about nine.
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
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Dianne and went to see “The Jersey Boys” at the Weston (VT) Playhouse (actually their Walker Farm) last night and it was great! It’s so nice to be able to enjoy their summer theatre programs here in Vermont.
Time to say “au revoir” until the next time that I have enough stuff to use and have the time to edit and issue one. Until then, stay cool and enjoy the summer, which began yesterday, the earliest since 1796.
Have a nice summer!
TGI-Jeff
