Greetings on this, the last day of the work week. Thank God It’s Friday! (Even though I am happily retired, I still like Fridays, especially if I have managed to draft a TGIF message on Thursday evening. Then, I can feel a small sense of accomplishment). My early mornings include me sipping coffee and doing 3 or 4 types of puzzles in the daily newspaper (which gets delivered long before I get up). There is the word jumble and a crypto quote and a sudoku and a crossword puzzle. My daily goal is to finish these before 9 am. That’s when my “work day” begins – with whatever project or projects are on my list.
One of those recent projects was trimming shrubs and also burning up all the wood from branches (and trees) that have fallen on my hill behind my house. I was up there today looking at a big tree that had come down in a recent storm. As I was walking in the thick underbrush, I tripped over a half-buried old fence wire and fell forward pretty hard. My recently acquired Apple Watch started emitting an emergency signal. It was ready to call 911 for me or I could respond that I was okay, which I did. I only suffered a small cut on my wrist. Fortunately, the ground up there is softer than other areas, due to the accumulation of years and years of leaves. It's nice to know that other than Dianne and the good lord, someone/something (AI) is also looking after me!
Those of you who know me as a friend know that I love to recount my stories. Well, with some encouragement from some friends and Dianne, I have decided to start putting those stories of my personal adventures and experiences down on paper (so to speak). A college friend of mine who I saw at our 50th reunion last June encouraged me to take 45 minutes each day to write these many stories down. I never kept a journal – but wish I had – and so I will have to rely on my memory, as it is now. Of course, over the years, I have embellished some of these “stories” with each telling and now I only remember the embellished versions. Ha ha. But some do not require any embellishment. Like the two times in Sri Lanka where I was in a government helicopter and we were almost shot down by the Tamil Tigers. An interesting dream I had a few weeks ago has led to me writing down in 4 or 5 pages my first story. Let’s see if I can sit down for 45 minutes often to document these for my descendants.
Oh, one more thing about today’s date, 22 September. It was on this date in 1962 when the West African country of Mali became independent from France. That’s where I served in the Peace Corps from 1974 to 1977. It was also the country where I began my career with WFP, serving in Mopti from 1978 to 1980. It’s a wonderful country that has unfortunately had a turbulent last 10 years or so. I would love to visit it if things were more stable.
Let’s see what we have in the TGIF mail bag for this week.
This one below reminds of the one I used about Irving and his rabbi in my last issue.
Haircut
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
"To your house."
* * * * * * * *
Shaving Wrinkled Skin
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,
"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does!"
* * * * * * * *
Some Recent Idiot Sitings
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
2) We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
3) I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
4) My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
5) I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
6) The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
7) When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
* * * * * * * *
The Pickle Slicer
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened???"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired too."
* * * * * * * *
Another Lawyer Story
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one, “Why are you eating grass ?"
We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . ... did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
* * * * * * * *
Logic
Paddy and Mick, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local college and met with the dean of admissions. Paddy is called in first.
Dean: - Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and English. I've also signed you up for a course called Logic."
Paddy - "What's Logic?"
Dean - "Oh, well it's very simple. First, I need to ask you: do you own a lawnmower?"
Paddy - "Yes."
Dean - "Since you have a lawnmower, logic would then follow that you have a yard."
Paddy - "Wow, that's amazing!"
Dean - "And since you have a yard, I'd logically deduce that you own a home."
Paddy - "Amazing"
Dean - "And since you have a home, someone has to take care of it so logically, I'd conclude that you have a wife."
Paddy: "Oh, my sweet Mary, that's wonderful!"
Dean - "And since you have a wife, I'd logically conclude that you're heterosexual."
Paddy is ecstatic, thanks the dean and goes back into the hall where Mick is waiting and talks to him excitedly about the upcoming classes.
Paddy - "That dean in there's got a heap of classes for us, including one called Logic."
Mick - "What the fecking hell is Logic?"
Paddy - "Aw, it's real simple. First, I gotta ask ya Mick, do you own a lawnmower?"
Mick - "No."
Paddy - "Yer queer, ain't ya?"
* * * * * * * *
Rain
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
* * * * * * * *
And now I can also say “Amen” and “Adieu” for this week. Let me first put on Santana’s Soul Sacrifice to help me finish up this issue, as in the good ole days of yore.
After having a very wet summer we are now having some nice “end of summer/early fall” warm days. I may try to get out on the links today to enjoy this gorgeous weather.
I’m even planning on going to the Springfield High School (my alma mater) football game tonight (under the lights) at the recently renovated Brown Field. Brand new bleachers and so forth. Dianne and I will be joined by a really good high school friend who I played football with, and his wife. It should be fun if it doesn’t cool down too much. Friday Night Lights! We’ll be sure to drink some hot chocolate to keep us warm!
It's time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Don’t forget to send me the good jokes that come across your screen. I’m now down to a handful of contributors. Those are not good odds with all the people who get to read this “weakly” issue.
TGI-Jeff
