Greetings from your Friday guy after just one week since my last issue. Don’t think I’ll keep this pace up for long. So, enjoy it/them while you can. Hope you all who celebrate Canada Day or the USA 4th of July had good times last weekend. We were planning on attending the annual Vermont Symphony Orchestra’s 4th of July outdoor concert (in nearby Grafton) and fireworks. But due to heavy rain, it was cancelled. We’ve been having way too much rain. Sure, everything is green, but the ground is saturated, and my golf course doesn’t allow golf carts when it’s like this. I know … I know… I should just walk and get more exercise. I used to walk 18 but I’m afraid those days are over. Come on. Give me a break! I’m old.
Dianne is keen and playing golf and is taking a beginner’s course from a very good teacher. There are 7 women and one of her good friends (Linda) is also in the same group.
My grandson, Logan (Jon and Melissa’s son) is now 6 months old and we got some great photos of him in his July 4thoutfit. What a cutey! I’m sure he is cuter than all of your grandkids! He may be smarter than them too. Because he wrote me a Father’s Day card on my first Father’s Day as a Grandpa. You know – to congratulate me on this accomplishment. He writes well!
Joya and Chris are still in Cape Town but will be visiting the US this summer, in early August. We are looking forward to that. Phil and Kailey celebrated their first anniversary on June 28th and spent last weekend at an AirBnb in the Sequoia National Park. They shared a video of them floating down a strong current river. He said it was very cold, like an ice bath! No thanks. That’s not for me. Remember, I’m old. The lake at Dianne’s summer place is now 78. That’s more like it! Her kids and families will be there this weekend. Fireworks on the lake with be Saturday night. Unless it rains!!! It’ll be good to have both of her kids’ families there! She, by the way, has 3 exceptional grandkids.
After all the rain, it got up to 90 here today (Thursday) and now (at about 7 p.m.) it is both 80 degrees outside and inside. Reminds me of Pakistan when we airconditioned our room so that it was 80 degrees. It’s all relative.
Now it’s time for some “Shakespeare on Websters”!
Can anyone figure that one out? Think about it. I’ll give you some time to think it over.
In the meantime, the fact that I used a Little Johnny joke in last week’s issue prompted an old friend to provide some more ‘Little Johnny’ humor.
Little Johnny Humor
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
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Did you figure (of speech?) that one out about Shakespeare and Webster?
What? You never heard of a “Play on Words”?
I was known way back when in high school for my puns. One of my friends commented that they were like two-thirds of a pun. That would be P U!
Well, I don’t think the ones below stink, but one must have an appreciation for them in order to enjoy them, I think.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Carnation Milk
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it..."
Here below is what she had submitted:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
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Hair Remover
My wife took our dog to the veterinarian, because it seemed he could hardly hear. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and then the dog could then hear fine. The vet told my wife that, to keep this from recurring, she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She went to the drugstore and bought some. At the register, the pharmacist says, "If you use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says, "If you use it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replies, "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Then, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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A New and Easy Exam!
It reminds me of the question: “Who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?” (That is, until the answer isn’t Grant. Or “what color was George Washington’s white horse?”
You only need 4 correct answers to pass this one!!!
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below ...
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
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Fighting Fires
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."
His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband.
The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
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Playing Cards
Little Benny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Benny asked, "Who’s your partner?"
The dad answered, "Your mum".
Little Benny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Benny asked, "Who’s your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend, Paul."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).
As he passed Little Benny 's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "Hey son, what are you doing?"
Little Benny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Who’s your partner?"
Little Benny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!
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Dianne has started to question some of my material and wonders if it would have passed my TGIF Censor (my late Mom). Maybe not. But, in my defense, I only use stuff that you all send me and I have not received a lot of hate mail about the more raunchy ones that I have used, In fact, some of my pervert friends seem to really enjoy the raunchier stuff. (You know who you are!)
So, I will continue to use the stuff that I get – remember: garbage in – garbage out!
And as much as I would like to use all the cartoons and other visual stuff, I have no plans to change the format that I started to use in 1995. So, even if your contributions are really funny, if they are in a format that I cannot “cut and paste” into a new message, they will not be used,
For all of you in the northern hemisphere, enjoy the summer. That can start with a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend ahead!
TGI-Jeff
