Greetings from your Friday guy in Vermont, USA. The Green Mountain State! Verte Montagnes. Ver-mont! I can imagine that a few of you didn’t know that origin of the name of our 14th state. On March 4th 1791, Vermont joined the union of the original 13 states. Apparently, there was a battle for which state was going to be the first one added to the original 13. Some favored Kentucky and some, like Thomas Jefferson, preferred that it would be Vermont. In order to promote the acceptance of Vermont as the 14th state, Jefferson and his good friend, James Madison, attempted a trip to this great state in 1789 or 1790 (you can google that fact; I’m just doing this from memory) that was supposed to involve mainly vessels on water. They went up the Hudson and then on to Lake George and hoped to get on Lake Champlain after that. They may have encountered ice or other impediments and were forced to turn back. They had hoped to get to Burlington and then were going to travel overland to the Connecticut River on the New Hampshire border and travel on that down to New Haven and back to NYC. That didn’t happen and they retreated to the Albany area and went overland to Bennington, Vermont, where they spent all of 24 hours before returning to Albany and NYC. But, that voyage may have swayed a few congressmen to opt for accepting Vermont as the 14th state and that happened on March 4th 1791. So, last week was our 230th birthday. That’s the day I got my covid-19 shot! Hooray!
I mentioned our state’s favorite son in last week’s column, Cal Coolidge, and his brief speech about this “Brave Little State”. I knew that one of you would send me the text. My good local friend, Frank, did exactly that. I had forgotten but that speech happened at the end of his tour of Vermont after the worst flood in Vermont’s history in 1927. Coolidge was president then and in 1928 made this trip all around the state to see how the recovery from that flood was going. At the end of the trip in Bennington, he gave this short, but appreciative speech:
My fellow Vermonters:
For two days we have been traveling through this state. We have been up the East side, across and down the West side. We have seen Brattleboro, Bellows Falls, Windsor, White River Junction and Bethel. We have looked toward Montpelier. We have visited Burlington and Middlebury. Returning we have seen Rutland.
I have had an opportunity of visiting again the scenes of my childhood. I want to express to you, and through the press to the other cities of Vermont, my sincere appreciation for the general hospitality bestowed upon me and my associates on the occasion of this journey.
It is gratifying to note the splendid recovery from the great catastrophe which overtook the state nearly a year ago. Transportation has been restored. The railroads are in a better condition than before. The highways are open to traffic for those who wish to travel by automobile.
Vermont is a state I love. I could not look upon the peaks of Ascutney, Killington, Mansfield, and Equinox, without being moved in a way that no other scene could move me. It was here that I first saw the light of day; here I received my bride, here my dead lie pillowed on the loving breast of our everlasting hills.
I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people. They are a race of pioneers who have almost beggared themselves to serve others. If the spirit of liberty should vanish in other parts of the Union, and support of our institutions should languish, it could all be replenished from the generous store held by the people of this brave little state of Vermont.
Calvin Coolidge in 1928 in Bennington, Vermont
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While almost every week, I sing the praises of my adopted state, Vermont (I’m NOT a native, unfortunately), I must point out that there are some downsides as well. The per capita suicide rate is much higher here than elsewhere (probably due to the long, long winters and cabin fever!). Some say Vermont is 11 months of winter and one month of really bad sledding. Others say it is 8 months of winter and 4 months of road construction. And still others say that Vermont does not have spring. Our four seasons are summer, fall, winter and mud season.
There is also a medically identified disorder that is probably also caused by the long winter. It’s known as SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder – It’s a type of depression characterized by its recurrent seasonal pattern and commonly experienced by New Englanders. Isn’t that sad?!?
Okay, enough stuff on Vermont, you say. “Get with the jokes, Jeff!” you further say! Okay Okay!
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A Cure?
A man was driving along the country lanes when he saw a farmer in a field, kissing a cow’s ass. He stopped the car to check and sure enough, the farmer was kissing the cow’s ass. So, he walks over to the farmer and asks him why he is kissing the cow’s ass and the farmer replies that he's got terrible chapped lips. The man thought for a moment and asked the farmer if kissing the cow’s ass cured chapped lips. The farmer replied, "Well no, but it stops me licking them for a couple of hours.”
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School Teacher Arrested at JFK
A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” as well as a code device called an “abacus” that he claimed was a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of "absolute values”. “They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Biden said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.
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GOLF is better than Sex
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
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Homographs
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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Sumbich!
A filthy- rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood...
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head-butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.
Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime-store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally, the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy...
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half- a- million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Leroy said no...
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool..!'
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Hope you appreciate the fact that this is 2 weeks in a row that I’ve managed to publish. We’ve had a few warm days here and I finally managed to get rid of the inch thick layer of ice on my driveway since the storm that dropped two inches of snow and then it rained on that and that all froze before I could deal with it. So, mud season is not far off. And the sap will be flowing now. Cold nights and warm days. Ahh, just thinking of that delicious maple syrup!
Until next time, take care and stay safe!
TGI-Jeff
