Greetings from you Friday jokes guy checking in from a cold Vermont, although sugaring season, mud season and spring are not far off. There’s a Vermont band known as the Woodchuck’s Revenge who have played at Coffee Houses at our church several times in the recent years. They have a song about the problems Vermonters are confronted with during our long winters and the chorus says something like “spring can’t be far away as it’s finally up to 2 below”. Earlier this week the temperatures were very low (in the low digits of F and about 15 below in C), with a strong wind which made the wind chill factor about a minus 10. But, I am an optimist and I look for signs of spring at this time of year. One that occurs at the beginning of March every year, is the sun shining through the east window off of my kitchen and casts a ray of sunlight all across the kitchen and lands on the wall to the left of the hutch. Sunlight, beautiful warming sunlight! And so I am once again hopeful in the rebirth of our year and the rebirth of our earth after this challenging year of the pandemic! And I got my covid Moderna vaccine today!
Although I am not a native Vermonter, when my family moved here when I was in high school in 1967, I just knew that this was my state. It’s a special place with special people. Calvin Coolidge once gave a speech (impromptu) when he was on his way back from DC for some vacation time, and I think it was in Bennington, Vermont, off the back of his train car. He referred to Vermont as that “Brave Little State”. I’ll try to find that short speech to share with you in the next TGIF. However, I love Vermont jokes and I love sharing them with my friends all over. I was reminded of one the other day. An old Vermonter who lived in the southern part of the state, on the Massachusetts border, was one day approached by a group of Mass. State surveyors. They said that his property seemed to by straddling the state line between the two states and that they need to take some readings to determine its exact location. A few hours later, they come up to the farmhouse to give him the results. They explain that while some of his property was in Vermont, the majority of it, including his farm house, were actually located in Massachusetts. He thought about that for a brief moment and then exclaimed, “ Oh thank God! I don’t think I could have lasted another long winter in Vermont!”
On one episode of Brave Little State on VPR recently, one of the Vermonters said that Vermonters are so nice that 4-way stops present a real problem. Because each vehicle is waiting for the other one to proceed first. Obviously, Vermonters are too nice!
Well, I got my first dose of the Moderna vaccine yesterday and I’ll get the second one in 4 weeks on April 1st. Just hope it’s not a “poisson d’avril”! Or a “poison d’avril”! I heard there have been many adverse reactions to the second dose. Just hope everyone agrees to get the vaccine when it is available to them.
Let’s see if I have any material to use. Otherwise, it might be a short version this week! Ha ha!
* * * * *
Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Islands? Same thing, not one canary!
* * * * *
A Wish to Live Forever!
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "That is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"
"You crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.
* * * * * * * *
Who Is Running the World?
There is a difference between being an Indian and being of Indian origin...
Biden, Putin and Xi were arguing over the question of “Who’s in charge of the world? The
USA, Russia or China?
Without any conclusion, they turned to "Narendra Modi", the Indian Prime Minister and asked him: “Who’s in charge of the world?”
Modi replied : All I know is that:
1. Google CEO is an Indian .
2. Microsoft CEO is an Indian .
3. Adobe CEO is an Indian .
4. Net App CEO is an Indian .
5. MasterCard CEO is an Indian .
6. DBS CEO is an Indian .
7 Novartis CEO is an Indian
8. Diageo CEO is an Indian .
9. SanDisk CEO is an Indian .
10. Harman CEO is an Indian .
11. Micron CEO is an Indian
12. Palo Alto Networks CEO is an Indian .
13. Reckitt Benckiser CEO is an Indian .
14. IBM CEO is an Indian .
15. Britain’s Chancellor is an Indian .
16. Britain’s Home Secretary is an Indian .
17. Ireland’s Prime minister is an Indian .
And the American Vice President is Indian.
So, who's running the World?
* * * * * * * * *
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, " I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water "
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
* * * * * * * *
When are you old?
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes.
* * * * * * * *
IRISH OR ITALIAN ...?
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
wait for it........
POPE SE-COLA!
* * * * * * * *
BASEBALL COACH
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach, replied the little boy. "
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a jerk.
Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother, please!”
* * * * * * * *
When I was working (WFP) and I’d be drafting the TGIF issue in the office on Thursday evening after most staff had gone home, I’d put on my music to accompany and facilitate the process of final drafting and editing of the issue. One of my favorites was a Santana album. The last cut on that particular album was Soul Sacrifice and a good one to end the work on the TGIF issue for that Friday. So, tonight, I’ve decided to play that same album and it’s now ending with Soul Sacrifice.
Wishing you all get your covid vaccines as soon as possible.
Let’s hope we all get vaccinated and that we can put an end to this pandemic.
Don’t forget to keep sending me any new jokes you receive. And try not to submit the same ones that I receive multiple times from so many people. But, I won’t delete you from the list even if you do.
Until the next time, good health and stay safe!
TGI-Jeff
