TGIF - 29 May 2020

Greetings on this, the last Friday of May. Since we’re all staying at home, (or most of us), it’s kind of hard to say TGIF. But at least, for those of you who need the humor to get you through all of this, I can use the Friday day of the week to prompt me to send out stuff that I continue to receive from you. So, thanks for that. You’re doing your part.

What weather we’ve been having here in Vermont!!! Two weeks ago, it snowed and was just like winter. Last week Spring arrived. And this week – summer hit with temperatures in the high 80s and low 90s. Some spots in the state recorded the highest day temperatures on Wednesday. Only in Vermont. Where we can use the car heater in the morning and the A/C in the afternoon.

I’ve been buying some annual flower plants for my deck boxes and other pots to adorn the back deck and front porch, and a few hanging plants for out front.

I’ve been out on the golf course, since it was allowed to open a few weeks ago, several times with good friends. It’s nice to be out in nature and get some exercise too.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in zoom meetings as well. It’s good to stay in touch.

I’ve been enjoying Dianne’s cooking and we take turns cooking meals with each other. I feel sorry for anyone who has to spend this difficult time alone. It’s much nicer with a companion.

Let’s see what you all have contributed. Keep it up!

I hope they give us a two week notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas $0; Entertainment $0; Clothes $0; Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don't have nails to file and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ...

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 37:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy:

"The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?"  Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1:  I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed.  So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself ...

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...

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My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.

I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"

My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."

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Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it were your own."

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Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

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A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that Davey?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well," answered Davey, "the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'."

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I’ve found out that growing up in the Sixties was a lot more fun than being in my sixties!

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I finally did it!

I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam soles inside.

No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen. 

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You never appreciate anything til it is gone.

Toilet paper is one example.

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I long for the good ole days when we thought we were going to die from climate change.

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A Sign at a Bar in this time of Covid-19

Warning

Bars Need Your Help

We can only reopen at 1/3 capacity.

Therefore, those who cannot drink for 3 are kindly requested to leave their place for the professionals.

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Pandemic observation

This reminds me of high school. I just filled up for $1.50 a gallon, and every girl I see is social distancing from me.

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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar together.

The bartender asks the rabbit what he would like to drink.

The rabbit responds, “I dunno. I’m only here due to Autocorrect!”

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A New Nile Virus
“The Third Strain of the NILE Virus is coming. (version "C").  I think you need to know about this virus.

Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, Eset - Nod 32 and others cannot take care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1958.

Virus Symptoms - any of the following:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that) 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too) 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup) 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha) 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that) 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again) 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that) 8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)

It's called the C-NILE virus.”

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Polish Golf Championship

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.

They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead.”

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

"Which one of you is playing the orange ball...?"

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Duh? Reminds of the Polish guy who stayed up all night studying for his urine test!

Keep sending me stuff and you’ll maybe get a Friday message from me.

Stay safe, stay healthy and look for pleasure in the simplest things.

Cheers.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 15 May 2020

Greetings on this day, the ides of May. Thursday was the first really nice day of spring here after a rather cold and wet spring til now. Everyone was going outside today. I even mowed my lawn for the first time today. Although it may rain today, the temperatures seem to warming up to being "seasonal", which is good. The rain will help with the greening of the grass and the blooming of the flowers. My azaleas are in full bloom and even my daffodils are still in bloom. I love this time of year, and especially appreciating it during this Covid-19 crisis.

I couldn't find any new jokes in my tgif inbox and so I've decided to share with you the answers to my TGIF history quiz and announce the winners.

Several friends sent in ridiculous answers (that were funny - but ....) and most friends thought that only a WFP insider would be able to win this contest. Well, not exactly.

I mentioned that I didn't think anyone but a few might be able to get as many as 7 correct answers. So, here are the correct answers and further below you will see the gold, silver and bronze winners.

Trivia Questions related to the history of the TGIF:

1.     How do I refer to the very first group of TGIF member/recipients?

The Dirty Dozen

2.     Which brother-in-law sent me the very first joke that I used?

My sister-in-law’s husband, Fred Weiss

3.     Who was that first joke about?

O.J. Simpson

4.     Can you tell that joke?

What 3 things did OJ Simpson have that all American men envied him for?

1)    A Heisman trophy; 2) a dead wife; and 3) a good chance to get off.

5.     Who suggested that I should call myself “TGI-Jeff?

Fergus McIntosh (A Canadian friend who worked for UNICEF)

6.     Who is the family relative who only reads my introduction parts and skips the jokes?

My sister-in-law, Martha Taft

7.     Who was my friend in WFP who took over the TGIF editing in Rome when I left?

George Heymell. A half point would be given if you said Amir Abdulla, since he did it briefly after taking over when George left Rome HQ. No point given for responding George Aelion.

8.     What was the name of the WFP Staff Counselor?

Petra Miczaika

9.     Who was my WFP colleague who continued to share my TGIF within WFP after I retired?

Alpha Bah

10.  Who proofread my TGIF messages prior to their issuance?

My late wife, Pam

11.  Who was my “TGIF Censor” during the first dozen years?

My mother, Helen Dick (because she received it and that prevented me from using jokes that were too risqué, as she was both the daughter of and wife of a protestant minister).

12.  What did I call the area in my Springfield house where I composed the TGIF messages for the first 5 years of my retirement?

The TGIF Dungeon. Since I had no windows down there and it was dark and damp.

Please note the following message that I included at the end of my story about the TGIF history and followed by the quiz:

I will be impressed if you can answer 5 of the above questions correctly.

I will be extremely impressed if you know 6 or more correct answers.

I would imagine that very few people know more than 7, other than me.

If you want to try, please submit your guesses to me at tgifjeff@gmail.com

That means “please don’t reply to this email, but address a separate email to the above address.” Thanks.

Even if you don’t know all of them, or half of them, submit your answers, so that I can see if you have been paying attention over all these years!

So, here are the results for the 12-queston TGIF History Quiz:

Third Place: Alpha Bah with 6 correct answers.

Second Place: Joya Taft-Dick, with 7 correct answers.

And the Champion, with 8 correct answers is:

Jonathan Taft-Dick.

If I needed a tie-breaker between Jonathan and Joya, Jon would have won, because he responded to my tgifjeff gmail address, as requested. (Joya responded to me at my normal email address!)

A lot of people thought that only WFP insiders would be able to win this contest. Not true.

Not one person who responded knew that the original group of recipients was “the dirty dozen”.

I’m not even sure if any of those guys are still receiving the TGIF. I think among them were: David Fletcher, George Heymell, Gian-Pietro Bordignon, Sam Thambiah, Alain Cordeil, Mohammed Saleheen, Tim Shortley, Amir Abdulla, Joe Scalise, Jim Conley and ???. Not even I can remember at this point, 25 years later.

I’m disappointed that more of you didn’t attempt to answer. Oh well. It was fun, reflecting back on all of this.

Remember to send me potential material. I seem to be only receiving old stuff and I don’t want to use only that.

Enjoy Spring as it is bursting out all over. I actually mowed my lawn for the first time today. A week after it snowed last. It was 75 degrees F today (Thursday). Yeah! But rain is in the plans for tomorrow.

Take care and stay safe and well!

TGI-Jeff (thanks Fergus!)

TGIF - 08 May 2020

Greetings on this last day of the work week, (you remember when you didn’t work from home and went to the office and loved that feeling of going home on Friday evening?) and so, I need to say TGIF. We have to mark the passing of time, even in these times. We are on the full moon (the Flower Moon) and halfway through the month of Ramadan. It’s early May and only about 5 weeks away from the summer solstice! Hooray!

This is going to be some sort of a special edition of my weekly message. It was 25 years ago that this hobby began when I worked at our WFP HQers in Rome. So, I think that a quarter of a century is a good time to celebrate this accidental hobby.

Fifty years ago on May 4^th, 1970, 4 innocent student protesters at Kent State University were shot dead by the national guard in Ohio. That led to the closing of many universities in the days that followed, including the one I was attending as a freshman. That meant that the class of 1970 did not have a graduation. Now, 50 years later, that same class does not have a 50-year class reunion! How unbelievable is that! I also feel really sorry for the high school and college graduates of 2020, who will not likely have that celebration of a graduation this year. What’s more, the high school graduates of 2020 were 9/11 babies! Hard to believe!

The last 3 pages of this issue will be about the origins and history of my TGIF messages. I hope you enjoy it and the trivia quiz that follows that. Please submit your guesses to me at my tgifjeff@gmail.com address. It’ll be fun to see who gets the most correct.

Things are starting to open up here in Vermont, little by little. Last week it was Farmer’s Markets and this week it is some state parks, trails, tennis courts and golf courses. I actually walked the front nine at my course today. It was sunny, a bit breezy and about 60 degrees. So, it was nice. I even played pretty well for the first time in awhile.

But, for the most part, we still have to be careful and get through this, as best we can.

1. Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday!

2. Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?... I think it has a virus ...

3. Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.

4. On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.

5. After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

6. Where is your next travel destination?
- Las Kitchenas
- Los Lounges
- Santa Bedroomes
- Porto Gardenas
- Los Bed
- Costa del Balconia
- St Bathroom
- La Rotonda de Sofa

7. You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.

8. Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.

9. If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.

10. 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.

11. Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.

12. This cleaning with alcohol is total B.S. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.

13. Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.

14. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

15. You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers….

16. Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.

17. Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

18. My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day; but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

19. I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….

20. Whoever owes you money, go to his house now. He should be home.

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It’s been awhile since I featured an Ole and Sven joke. But I had not seen this one before.

Ole and Sven

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! 

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa!"

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Frozen Crabs, ......the Lawyer and the Blonde Flight Attendant.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

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Murder at Costco

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day local newspaper headline declared...  
                                                           

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1 @ Costco"                                                                                                        

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The Origins and History of the Friday TGIF Message

(Reflections After 25 Years of Doing My Weekly Hobby)

I’d like to tell you a story about a hobby of mine that began quite accidentally 25 years ago. As you know, I worked for more than 30 years for the UN World Food Program, serving 5 countries in Africa, four in Asia and one 3-year tour of duty at WFP Headquarters in Rome, Italy. I was in Rome in 1995, at the time that all of us were being connected via email, and as we all know, one uses of email is to share humor and jokes we receive from friends. I had a dozen friends at HQ who would share jokes that we had received from outside of WFP. In April or May of 1995, my brother-in-law sent me a good joke. So, it was my turn to share it with these friends. I got the joke on a Friday and when I was preparing the joke to send, I had to put something in the subject line. I was a bit nervous about putting “Joke” there, as I didn’t know if “Big Brother” was in the WFP IT department. So, instead, since it was Friday – and I was happy about that – I simply put TGIF.

My international friends all enjoyed the joke, but it seemed that none of them knew what TGIF meant. For example, one guy replied to me that he really liked the joke but wondered what TGIF stood for. When I explained that it was short for “Thank God, It’s Friday”, he suggested that I send out a few jokes every Friday. And that’s how my hobby started, which has continued to the present, 25 years later.

To be a regular recipient of the TGIF message, I requested that members agree to forward to me any good jokes they receive from their friends. And each Thursday night after work, I would select new material received and cut and paste about 7 or 8 jokes onto a new TGIF message. I would then write my own introduction of 3 to 4 paragraphs, sharing family news, birthday greetings or commentary on the current news, or events or the weather.

My weekly TGIF message grew in readership from the original dozen WFP colleagues, as they started to share it with their friends and family and other WFP colleagues in duty stations in Asia and Africa and South America. In HQ back then, we only had 3 or 4 shared printers on each floor. One of the recipients would send the TGIF message to a printer and forget to pick it up. Other staff, looking for their print jobs, would pick it up from the printer and read it. Usually, they would then come to my office and ask me to add their email address to the list. So, within a year, I had nearly 200 colleagues in HQ who received it. They would then share it with some of the WFP country offices that they backstopped, as well as all of their own family and friends. 

One Friday, I had not finished it on Thursday night and I planned on completing it during my lunch break. I got a call from a WFP colleague who wondered where it was, since he was getting anxious emails from colleagues in the field offices who hadn’t yet received it from him. On another Friday during the early days of the TGIF message, one friend told me that when he got home from work on Friday evening, he was met at his door by his wife who asked him for the copy of the TGIF that he would normally bring home with him. He had forgotten to pick it up at the printer and had to drive back to the office to get it for her.

Working for WFP meant serving in many challenging environments in the third world. Personally, I had always used my sense of humor to deal with stress and I realized that my weekly production of the TGIF message seemed to help my colleagues deal with their own challenges. It was important for their well-being to maintain their sense of humor in isolated or hardship duty stations. With the encouragement of the WFP staff association, WFP management hired a staff counselor to help WFP staff deal with all sorts of issues, including the stress of living and working in hardship duty stations. The staff counselor became a friend of mine and appreciated the TGIF message and the fact that so many staff received it. She would go to visit staff all over the world. When she would return, she would give me the names of staff she had met and asked me to add them to my TGIF master list.

In mid-1996, I left Rome for my new posting in Pakistan. I turned over the reins of the TGIF to a good friend who was remaining in Rome. He carried on the tradition for a few years, until he also was leaving Rome for a country office. He failed in his attempt to find a volunteer in HQ who would continue issuing a Friday TGIF message. By then, in 1998, WFP had introduced a common email system for the entire organization. So, as I didn’t want my “TGIF baby” to expire, I decided to do it from Pakistan.

The TGIF message became widely known in WFP and I did get some negative pushback from some in senior management, who thought that this was a “frivolous activity” that took time away from our mission. Each time I was confronted about this and encouraged to discontinue it, I also pushed back saying that I was spending my free time on this hobby outside of working hours and that I thought a lot of staff needed the humor that it provided them once per week. The staff counselor also strongly supported this hobby with senior management and I succeeded in keeping it going.

When I retired in mid-2009, many colleagues pleaded with me to keep doing the weekly messages from my home in Vermont. By then, despite that I was a senior official of the organization and had been a country director in my last four countries served, I was known throughout WFP as “TGI-Jeff”. I agreed to try and continue it from Vermont in retirement if someone within WFP would agree to receive it from me every early Friday morning and share it within the WFP email network. A friend in IT agreed and even started a TGIFblog that anyone can access and where he also posts the latest issue, adding it on to the blog.

It is now 2020 and it has been more-or-less 25 years since I started this hobby. It’s proven to be a very good “vehicle” for staying in touch with former colleagues and other friends from all over the world. Most every week I receive a short note from a few of the people who have been reading it over the years, with a word of thanks and some news of their family and lives. I have heard from some of my relatives that they really appreciate my personal notes in my introduction and admit that they don’t spend much time on reading all the jokes. Other friends have admitted to me that they skip over all that “intro stuff” and head straight for the jokes. And it seems that everyone has a slightly different sense of humor, and a different favorite joke that I’ve used. Over the years, I would plead with recipients to send me material, in order to pay up their TGIF dues, and threaten to kick them off the list, to the point of haranguing them. So, some would write me and apologize for never contributing anything; but still expressed thanks to me for continuing to do it and not removing them from the list.

However, it got to the point that I thought that I had seen every joke ever written down and that there were hardly any new jokes for me to use. Yet many members kept trying to contribute material for me to use, even though they had forgotten that I had used that joke already. So, I decided to end each week with what I called “The TGIF Golden Classic” – where I used these old jokes. Many old jokes are updated (recycled) to fit new current circumstances or situations. The one good thing about the effects of aging and struggling with memory issues is that many of the older persons who receive the TGIF message don’t remember having seen some of my material previously. Thank God for that!

The End

Trivia Questions related to the history of the TGIF:

1.     How do I refer to the very first group of TGIF member/recipients?

2.     Which brother-in-law sent me the very first joke that I used?

3.     Who was that first joke about? 

4.     Can you tell that joke?

5.     Who suggested that I should call myself “TGI-Jeff?

6.     Who is the family relative who only reads my introduction parts and skips the jokes?

7.     Who was my friend in WFP who took over the TGIF editing in Rome when I left?

8.     What was the name of the WFP Staff Counselor?

9.     Who was my WFP colleague who continued to share my TGIF within WFP after I retired?

10.  Who proofread my TGIF messages prior to their issuance?

11.  Who was my “TGIF Censor” during the first dozen years?

12.  What did I call the area in my Springfield house where I composed the TGIF messages for the first 5 years of my retirement?

I will be impressed if you can answer 5 of the above questions correctly.

I will be extremely impressed if you know 6 or more correct answers.

I would imagine that very few people know more than 7, other than me.

If you want to try, please submit your guesses to me at tgifjeff@gmail.com

That means “please don’t reply to this email, but address a separate email to the above address.” Thanks.

Even you don’t know all of them, or half of them, submit your answers, so that I can see if you have been paying attention over all these years!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 01 May 2020

Greetings at the end of another week of self-isolating in this coronavirus pandemic. I heard a program on NPR today about time and how it is hard for people to process days and weeks during this difficult time. I’ve always been interested in the concept of “time” and recall that I think Kurt Vonnegut was also, as he pointed out that every word in the dictionary between Timbuktu (I’ve been there!) and time had to do with some aspect of time. He invented a fictional science fiction-type character who used to think that mirrors were “leaks into the universe”. I forget his name but remember that when someone used to say in his presence that he needed to go take a leak, he would say that he thought they were going to steal a mirror. I guess that shows my sort of distorted sense of humor. Another example of that weird humor has surfaced recently when I discovered I could search on Spotify for old music and I did a search for Spike Jones. I remember very well back in the 50’s when someone gave my parents one of his albums. It was called “After Dinner Music for People Who Weren’t Very Hungry”. It featured such songs as “Wyatt Earp – he makes me burp” and the “Black and Blue Danube Waltz” (in which war planes were dropping bombs in the river). He also featured guys who used to gargle and burp and lots of weird instruments, like the glockenspiel and a tuba playing “The Flight of the Bumblebee” song. Well, I discovered that not ALL people appreciate Spike Jones like I do. Dianne, for one. So, I only play his weird songs when she is not here!

One of the persons on the radio program today said that since home-schooling was now a weeklong activity, and that there was a need to mark the passing of some periods of time, that her family started celebrating Fridays, to mark the end of the week, by ordering a pizza and so forth. So, we march on with marking and celebrating the end of the week and a chance to congratulate ourselves for passing another milestone. Amen!

So, I say TGIF and let’s enjoy another Friday. We’ll get through this!

Breaking News!

Tonight at 10:00 PM a medical satellite is flying over the US to take everybody’s temperature.  Please stand naked outside your door and wave your ID in the air!

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A Tired and Confused Nurse

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.  When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that’s just great . . . some asshole’s got my pen."

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Senior Shopping Only (for special hours)

Some stores have established special open hours for seniors only, usually in the early hours of the morning on certain days of the week. Here is an incident from one of those:

There was a long line at 7:45 AM today at COSTCO that opened at 8:00 AM for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he yelled, "If you old bastards don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!"

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When Should We Open Up the Country?

Here's what the experts said ..

   

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. 

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but 

the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.   

  

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. 

  

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" 

While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!” 

  

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the 

Radiologists could see right through it.   

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the 

Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”  

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but 

the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.   

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty 

Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.   

  

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to 

the assholes in Washington.

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Petrol Station Promotion

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank  and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.’

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Sound Advice for All You Men Out There

I offer you the following words and definitions to help you cope with this intensive time with your wife, companion, partner, life mate, girlfriend et al. Men: Here are some important words and phrases that you really need to properly and fully understand!

1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. It's also a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot.' That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying....Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

AND:  “YES DEAR” always works!!!

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These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas

“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright

“I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

Who is Jack Schitt?

A little humor to help in our troubled times.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!’

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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So, on this first day of May (which is the International Labor Day for workers everywhere) we will recognize the importance of all essential workers. We thank you!

I also want to send birthday greetings out to Melissa (for Sunday 5/3), my future daughter-in-law. She and Jonathan had to postpone their 3/21 wedding due to Covid-19 and we look forward to attending whenever it can be arranged later in the year. At least, they didn’t elope or get married in the woods with a couple of witnesses. We WILL celebrate in due course!

So, everyone, stay safe and enjoy the time you have now to spend with the people you love!

I have a special edition of the TGIF to share in a week or two about the origins and history of the TGIF message, followed by a trivia question test. That is because we’re approaching the 25^th anniversary of the first TGIF message. Stay tuned.

TGI-Jeff