Greetings on this last day of the work week (in many parts of the world – but not everywhere) and so it is time to reflect back on the week and share a little humor so that you/we can all lighten up and enjoy the weekend with family or friends and not have to think about work, hopefully for most, until next Monday. So, stop staring at your screens and mobile devices for a few days and enjoy life, family and friends!
The cold spell that I mentioned in my last TGIF has continued and November was something like the 3rd snowiest November on record. One Vermont meteorologist referred to last month as “Snowvember”! Vermont got an average of about 20 inches of snow. The ski areas opened early and are taking advantage of the cold temperatures to make a lot of snow. Even here in the Connecticut River Valley, we have had snow cover since 19 November. I also heard that in this past November, Vermont only had about 15% of daytime sunlight. So, we had a lot of cloud cover and drab and dreary days! Cold – too!
I want to thank those who have expressed recent appreciation for my efforts in terms of quality of material used and frequency. Except that last week I did break a string of several consecutive Fridays that I issued a TGIF message. But I think I had a good excuse. Last week I served as a 24/7 nurse for Evelyn who had undergone knee replacement surgery on November 27th. They discharged her from the hospital 24 hours after the surgery and she was in my care for the next 5 days. I didn’t know this of myself beforehand, but it turns out that I could be a pretty bitchy nurse. I made her take pills that she didn’t want to take and so forth. She was willing to get up and move around and I kept refilling her Cryo-pack with more icy-cold water to deal with the swollen knee. She has been visited at home 3 times per week by a physical therapist and she is making progress every day. She has lots of energy and is in high spirits at the beginning of the day and really low and discouraged by the end of the day. But I understand that this is normal after major surgery.
After a hip replacement and one or two knees replaced, someone asked my Mom if she expected to still live a long life and she replied that if they could keep fitting her with the appropriate “spare parts”, she thought that she could live to be 100!
Well, if our bodies were like cars, and sometimes it seems like they are; plus with the miracles of modern medicine and surgery, maybe some of us will live longer than our ancestors.
But …….
If My Body Were a Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.
It gets worse!
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
Now, the worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
* * * * *
An Afternoon Jog
Justin Trudeau was out jogging when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in a creek below.
Before his bodyguards could get to him, three kids pulled him from the water.
“I am so grateful you kids helped me out I will grant you whatever you want”.
“Tell me your name!”
“My name is Bobby”
“What would you like Bobby?”
“I would like to go to Disney world with mom and dad and my little sister”
“No problem Bobby! I’ll take you all there by helicopter, everyone uses it.”
“And your name?”
“Jimmy”
“And what would you like Jimmy?”
“I would like a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”
“Good choice Jimmy, and I will even have Michael Jordan sign them.”
“I’m Raymond from Newfoundland!”
“What could I get for you Raymond from Newfoundland?”
“I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headsets!!”
Trudeau scratches his head and is a little perplexed by this.
“But you don’t look like you’re handicapped Raymond!”
“I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning in the creek.”
* * * * *
MAINE LOBSTERS
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh no!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh no!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
* * * * *
A Nun Grading Papers
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDS AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE REDSEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE REDSEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLEOF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17.. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
* * * * *
Lyle Was Out Hunting Geese
Lyle is hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you're going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asked Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess the news could be worse," said Lyle. "Your sister's a plastic surgeon?"
"Well, not exactly," Sven said. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, and since all you got is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
As luck would have it, his dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you're going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asked Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess the news could be worse," said Lyle. "Your sister's a plastic surgeon?"
"Well, not exactly," Sven said. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, and since all you got is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
* * * * *
It’s time for this week’s Golden TGIF Classic
The friend who submitted this likely does not realize that this one qualifies as a golden oldie, but, hey, who cares if I used it many, many years ago. You all don’t remember it. Many of us are getting to that age where you remember very clearly what you did 50 years ago, but can’t remember what you did yesterday! Am I right?
The Blind Cowboy
An old blind cowboy enters a bar. He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while and then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!”
He sits there for a while and then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!”
* * * * *
My daughter Joya long ago convinced me of the inappropriateness of most of the dumb blonde jokes and so I tend not to use them. But, I made an exception for this one, as it’s a little different and was submitted by her best friend’s parents. So there!
After I was relieved earlier this week of my 24/7 nurse duties by Evelyn’s daughter from Atlanta, I got back to my regular activities (paying bills, cleaning the house, going to the exercise gym, playing ping pong) and today (Thursday) I went skiing for my second time this season at my local mountain, which is 15 miles from here. Great skiing today and my legs are tired. I’ll sleep well tonight. And then I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and wonder what day of the week it is. It’ll be Friday, of course. And most of you employees will be thinking, “Thank God, It’s Friday”!
Have a great day and an enjoyable weekend.
TGI-Jeff
