Greetings from you Friday guy who has missed several Fridays in this month of May. I’ve been busy – lay off! The last edition was on 5 May, on the eve of our Vermont Clean-Up Day. It was a big success as usual. Everyone pitches in to pick up the litter and trash along the roadside – except for the morons who throw it out of their cars. Even when we were working on that day to pick up the stuff along the roads, there were two types of vehicles that drove by: the ones that slowed way down and honked or waved to show support for what we were doing; and those who drove by really fast and seemed annoyed that we were there near them on the sides of the road. I can only imagine that those are the people who throw the stuff out of their vehicles.
Spring finally arrived and was very welcome after a long winter. But, as usual, Spring did not last long and we seem to be in summer now. We’ve had some rain this week; but we’ve had some great days (Wed. & Thursday) where the temperatures have been in the 70s! I’ve spent a lot of time this past week in planting annuals and tending to my yard and perennials.
Next week I am headed to Iowa to attend my 45th college reunion from Grinnell College. I’m really looking forward to that. Two of my friends and classmates will be each receiving one of the Alumni Awards. Well deserved, I might add.
I’ll be staying with my “best man” in Dublin Ohio on the way out and back. Yes, I am driving out there. It’s about 1,400 miles I think.
Once I get back from the Iowa trip, I’ll be here for one week to wash clothes and repack my suitcase so that I can leave on 13 June for Italy to attend the wedding of my niece, Jillian, in Todi Italy on June 16th. (I hope this answers your question, Charlie!)
After that, Evelyn and I will drive to southern France to spend about 9 days in the Aix-en-Provence area. Hope to see Peter and Jan Leno Harrold while there.
So, there will not likely be any TGIFs for the next several weeks.
Enjoy the summer.
I hope to visit the WFP HQs while in Rome – but I recently realized that the day we will be in Rome on our arrival is the Eid holiday and so the HQ will likely be closed. Maybe, I’ll visit on our return from France, on 26 or 27 June.
Let’s see what you have provided for some humor for this week.
When Does Life Begin?
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Priest and a Rabbi debate when life begins.
The Catholic Priest: When egg and sperm become one.
The Protestant Priest: When the fertile egg is safe and sound in the womb.
The Rabbi: When the children are out of the house.
The Protestant Priest: When the fertile egg is safe and sound in the womb.
The Rabbi: When the children are out of the house.
* * * * * * * *
The Urine Sample
One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?"
Or.... "are we ready for a bath?"
Or... "are we hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe we can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted... I just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE... you'll lose every time!
* * * * * * * *
Important Signs with a good sense of humor
SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you.
We will save your sole.
We will even dye for you.
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
Blind man driving.
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.
And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
* * * * * * * *
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle..
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle..
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
* * * * * * * *
How Old Are You?
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent
asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!
* * * * * * * *
The Preacher
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation, .no one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Then, Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ..."If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,
"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies. "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,
"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies. "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really"
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
* * * * * * * *
Okay. I know some of the above are oldies, but I also know that we like the old ones if they are good ones.
Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
I may be back in time to do one on the 8th of June. If not, it won’t be until early July.
So, enjoy the summer and we’ll see you again in mid-summer!
TGI-Jeff
