Greetings from your TGIF guy! Yep. It’s the end of another work week and I bet you are happy about that. Except that a growing number of readers of this Friday message are already retired or are retiring and no longer working the 9 to 5 / 40 hour work weeks. So, when we awake in the morning, we may not remember what day of the week it is - - - but the one thing we do know is that we don’t have to go to the office.
I’ve had fun putting together the last few TGIFs and I’m glad that many of you seem to like them. Thanks for your encouraging feedback!
After a warm September and October, we are starting to get the normal, seasonal temperatures. We had a serious frost on Wednesday night and a likely ground freeze in the next days. I’ve dealt with my leaves and am more or less ready for the first snow – which could be sooner than later. Some of the nearby ski areas are making snow and opening in the next days. Hard to believe – except for the chill I felt outside today.
It now looks like I’ll be driving down to DC to spend Thanksgiving with Joya and Chris at their new place, which I haven’t seen yet. Chris’s parents will be there and Martha and Fred. Jonathan will be riding with me from New York. Looking forward to that!
I continue to hear about various anniversaries, like the ones I mentioned last week. This week 50 years ago, LBJ signed into law the act that created government support for Public Broadcasting. I wonder if it will still be around after the current administration. It seems the current administration has CNN in its target sights and I worry about the First Amendment and the media that is not friendly to our president.
Let’s see what material a few of you are submitting for my consideration and use.
Season’s Beatings!
KFOR: “It started out as a normal day at work at Butch’s Cork and Bottle [in Purcell, Okla.] until … a man entered the store and asked the clerks for money. … ‘It was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon, and it was shift change, and I was at the register counting it down and a guy walked in,’ [clerk Jessica Moss] said. … ‘I didn’t think much of it…’ Moss said. ‘He came closer, he came at the register and he was like, no, give it to me.’ … ‘He was pulling on the register that way, and she was pulling on it this way, and I just grabbed a bottle of Bailey’s Pumpkin Spice, and I looked at [her co-worker] and she just said ‘hit him,’’ Moss said. ‘So, I hit him over the head with it, and he just stopped, and he backed up and he turned around and walked out the door.’”
* * * * * * * *
Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. The guy says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."" "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.
"No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
"This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
* * * * * * * *
Most Outstanding Samurai
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief
Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.".
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?".
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead.".
"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy ~ but circumcised?".
* * * * * * * *
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a man is near a woman in a leather dress, his heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It’s because she smells just like a new golf bag!!!
* * * * * * * *
We are now more than halfway though the college football season. Here are some good quotes from famous college coaches and players from the past (like 50 years ago or more).
Football Philosophy from the Past
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."–
Bear Bryant / Alabama
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!"
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."
Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts." -
Joe Namath / Alabama
Joe Namath / Alabama
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State
Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia
Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa
Alex Karras / Iowa
“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn
Shug Jordan / Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC
John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas
Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
* * * * * * * *
An Experiment Inspired by the Discovery Channel
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black!
* * * * * * * *
Medicare Plan G
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
You opt for "Medicare Plan G".
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this great country or what?
You are welcome. Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week.
* * * * * * * *
And enjoy the weekend coming up! It’s that time of year where we recognize and honor the service men and women who have served us in the past and present. Thanks to all of them!
I thank the dozen of you who submit material for me to use. YOU know who you are! Many thanks!
The rest of you need to “up your game”. Remember to think of me when you get a funny from a friend of yours. It’s not hard – just hit the “Forward” button and send to tgifjeff@gmail.com
What’s hard about that?
Take care, stay warm and maybe you’ll hear from me next week.
TGI-Jeff
