Greetings at the end of another beautiful week here in Vermont! We’ve had unseasonably warm temperatures in September and October. In fact, three of the four hottest days of the “summer of 2017” actually occurred in the fall of 2017, after the Fall Solstice! It sure is weird weather. Wednesday and Thursday of this week we had beautiful days of temperatures in the low 70s. A bit unusual for this time of year. And it looks like it’s going to continue for the next week. No complaints from me!
(I apologize for not doing some messages for the past several weeks. I’ve been busy with other things and if I don’t start a message early in the week, it is hard to put one together on Thursday nights. I’ll try to do better.)
However, it has been a disappointing fall foliage season. Not like last year when the colors of the leaves were brilliant. It’s been pretty muted this year. We had a few days of rain about 10 days ago and that seemed to ruin the foliage season. It’s a bit surprising as the weather and temperatures have been good and the last few days it has been in the 70s. I played golf on Tuesday and it was in the high 50s and very warm in the sun. It’s so nice to walk our hilly course on a nice fall day with few others playing.
It’s now the Major League Baseball playoff season. The NHL (ice hockey) season has also just started and the NBA (basketball) season has also just tipped off this week. The NFL (American Football) started in early September and is well under way. Tom Brady of the New England Patriots is 40 and still going strong! Let’s go Pats!
Unfortunately, my beloved Boston Red Sox have lost once again in the first round of the baseball playoffs. Those damn Yankees upset the talented Cleveland Indians and the reigning champs, the Cubs, are struggling against the very good Dodgers.
Three Nuns at a Red Sox Game
Three nuns were attending a Red Sox Baseball game.
Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking their views, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed and move to another area.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY, "I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY YELLED, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL! THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of nuns,
The value of a #2 Pencil
Carol was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in class. 'Tell me Carol, who created the universe?'
When Carol didn't stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Carol.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class....
A little later the Nun asked Carol, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Carol didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Carol.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Carol fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question....'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Carol jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
That’s the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil!
* * * * * * * *
Senior Pickup Line that is growing in popularity
An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.
He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:
"So, tell me, do I come here often?"
An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.
He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:
"So, tell me, do I come here often?"
* * * * * * * *
You Have to Be Musical to really appreciate this one!
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
* * * * * * * *
A Hell of a Day!
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure." I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve.....and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"
* * * * * * * *
An Atheist was walking through the woods
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers !
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look .... . . And saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... And then ..... He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ………
Reaching towards him with its left paw ..... And raising the right paw to strike ...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ...
The bear froze ......
The forest was silent ....
A bright light shone upon the man,
And a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years,
You teach others I don't exist
And even credit creation to cosmic accident ........
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... A pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ....
The bear dropped his right arm ...
Brought both paws together ...
Bowed his head & spoke...
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.
Amen."
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers !
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look .... . . And saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... And then ..... He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ………
Reaching towards him with its left paw ..... And raising the right paw to strike ...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ...
The bear froze ......
The forest was silent ....
A bright light shone upon the man,
And a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years,
You teach others I don't exist
And even credit creation to cosmic accident ........
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... A pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ....
The bear dropped his right arm ...
Brought both paws together ...
Bowed his head & spoke...
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.
Amen."
* * * * * * * *
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
* * * * * * * *
Generic Drugs
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, Tylenol is a trade name, and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been developing a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & Do.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
* * * * * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
Is it really a coincidence?
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day
for me .... I'm celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"
* * * * * * * *
Ah, indeed. A possible coincidence!
It’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Keep those jokes coming in and I will use them. It doesn’t matter if they’re old, I can always use them as a Golden Classic!
Until the next time, Peace!
TGI-Jeff
