Greetings from your Friday guy on this Friday of the week that had our 4th of July holiday. I forgot to mention last week that Saturday the 1st was Canada Day. So, a belated shout out to my many Canadian friends! More on the 4th of July below in this message.
We’ve had pretty good weather in the last days after having a very wet Spring and early Summer. I’ve been doing a lot of biking and golfing and yard work whenever it hasn’t been raining. I’ve also been working some in the local craft brewery here in Springfield. They are making some really good beers and my work is paid in beers! Can’t complain!
For the third year in a row, I’ve attended a great 4th of July party on a beautiful lake house not too far from here, hosted by friends Peter and Bonny. Each year Ambassador Paul Bremer, primarily known for his role in the Iraq transition team, who retired to Vermont several years ago, attends this party and reads either the Declaration or gives us a history quiz where we all take part in trying to guess the answers. Lots of fun, as we celebrate our nation’s anniversary.
One of the things in the news that I laughed about this week was this: National Public Radio tweeted the Declaration of Independence and many Trump supporters thought that they were promoting revolution and overthrow of President Trump – instead of King George in 1776! Okay, I’m a left-leaning liberal media-lover snob. Sorry.
Let’s see what I have to share with you all on this last day of this week!
Some short ones:
When I’m sad, I sing. But then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.
* * *
A man was to be excused from jury duty.
The judge asked, “Is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in this trial?”
The man replied, “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”
“Can’t they do without you at work?” asked the judge.
“Yes,” admitted the man, “but I don’t want them to realize it.”
* * *
I finally realize that these days people are prisoners of their phones. That’s why they are called cell phones.
* * *
Feeling good about yourself? Ask a little kid to draw a picture of you.
* * *
The glass isn’t half full or half empty. It’s just twice as big as it needs to be.
* * *
Too often has a reader found - when interest has lagged - that many books which have been bound, should also have been gagged.
* * *
While visiting Annapolis, a tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.
“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”
When out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious woman asked the guide, “So, what’s the answer?”
The guide replied, “One.”
* * *
Life was so much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.
* * *
With great power comes a huge electric bill.
* * *
When someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired.
* * *
Kids don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through the shag carpet to change the TV channel.
* * *
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to work in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.
* * *
One of the worst things about retirement is that you have to drink coffee on your own time.
* * * * * * * *
An Irishman's first drink with his son
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so high I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so high I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
* * * * * * * *
Irish Confession
Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
* * * * * * * *
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
* * * * * * * *
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.
* * * * * * * *
One day I see an old guy, maybe eighty, all dried up like a raisin, sitting on a street bench crying.
An old man crying? How can I not go over? He might be in a will-changing mood. I walk up to him softly and ask, ‘Sir, why are you crying?’
‘What else can I do?’ the old man answers. ‘A month ago, I met a thirty-year-old woman. She’s beautiful, adorable, sexy, and we fell in love and moved in together.’
‘That’s awesome!’ I say. ‘So what’s the problem?’
Old guy says, ‘I’ll tell you. We start every day with two hours of wild sex, then she makes me some pomegranate juice for the iron, and I go to the doctor’s office. I come back, we have more wild sex, and she makes me a spinach quiche for the antioxidants. In the afternoon I play cards with the guys at the club, I come home, we have wild sex into the night, and this is how it goes, day after day…’
‘Sounds fantastic!’ I tell him. ‘I’d like me some of that! But then why are you crying?’
Old guy thinks for a minute and says, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’ ”
* * * * * * * *
This past week, we here in the USA celebrated the 241st anniversary of the issuing of the Declaration of Independence. It’s a nice holiday for celebrating the birth of our country with backyard barbeques and ice cream and fireworks. Unfortunately, the night of our fireworks got rained out with torrential rains.
I’ve seen the following before and it is hard to believe that this was the fate of most of the signers of the Declaration.
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they
died.
died.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons
captured.
captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.
Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well
that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from
the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family
almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett,
Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson,Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General
George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and
she died within a few months.
she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children
fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.
fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.
* * * * * * * *
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! The summer has finally arrived and we’re enjoying it. Sometimes I wish it could always be summer. But then – I do love all the seasons! But I love all the perennials that bloom at different times and equally enjoy all the summer annuals that I buy and plant all around, including some nice hanging plants.
Take care.
TGI-Jeff
