Greetings from your Friday guy after quite an absence. I apologize for that but I’ve either been too busy with all my activities or been away on my annual southern trip to miss a few weeks of the Vermont winter – as I have been for the last 3 weeks. It was nice and warm down there and I return here to find snow still on the ground and winter just hanging on.
As usual, I spent most of the time away with friends, from relatives to college friends, to international friends to really good friends. It was a great trip and I actually managed to play 3 rounds of golf during the trip. Now that I’m home, I must wait another 2 to 3 weeks for my local country club to open. Oh well, at least I can ski a few more days in spring conditions. In fact, although it is raining now, it may get up to the 70s by early next week. My ski area hopes to stay open through Easter Sunday!
I want to thank all of those relatives and friends who put me up and put up with me during my trip. Of course, I brought along some several pints/quarts of real Vermont Maple Syrup (from my local friends farm near here) to leave as host gifts. But my hosts provided much more than that and so I would like to thank all of you! You know who you are!
But, even though I drove 450 miles on my last day to get home on Wednesday, it is so nice to be back home in Vermont.
If you haven’t figured it out already, I do love Vermont. Why? Well here are a few reasons:
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Vermonters...
Forget Rednecks ....
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there..., you live in Vermont
.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Vermont. (TGIF Editor’s comment: I left Vermont wearing a parka and the day I returned I was wearing shorts and had to put the parka on as I entered Vermont!)
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Vermont.
If Vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in Vermont.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Vermont.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Vermont.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in Vermont.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Vermont.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Vermont.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Vermont.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Vermont.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Vermont.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Vermont.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Vermont.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Vermont.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Vermont .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in Vermont.
If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in Vermont.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Vermont friends, you live or have lived in Vermont.
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Issues with modern technology
When I bought my IPhone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Face book and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble, talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then, if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me..
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humor could handle it.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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How old guys hear things differently....
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the beautiful Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and I asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
“Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight.”
I replied, “Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable.”
A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,
“What she really said was: 666136429.”
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic Section – since I receive so few new jokes and so many old ones.
A Nice Catholic Vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
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At the Golf Club
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
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Celibacy
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
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It’s good to be back home and good to be issuing one of these TGIF messages once again. Keep sending your stuff in and I’ll try to keep issuing a Friday message.
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
And a Happy Birthday to my big brother Nate on this Sunday!
Hope Spring will be coming soon!
Meanwhile, I’ll just have to enjoy some spring skiing.
TGI-Jeff
