Greetings from the Friday guy. Although I must say that it has beomce the “once-a-month” Friday guy, as I see that the last TGIF message was on 2 October. Well, I think we have to share the responsibility for that. For me, I’ve been really busy since then. For you, I have not received lots of good material and even on those few times that I wanted to issue a message, I didn’t really find enough new material to use. So, I said to myself, “What the heck! Why spend my precious time trying to put an edition together with little or no new good jokes!”
So, after 5 weeks it seems I have accumulated enough material to now edit this issue. In the meantime, I turned 65, along with Stevie Wonder, who happened to also be born in October of 1950. However, in 1955 I was not allowed to enter kindergarten in the local rural school where we lived in Ohio as they had too many ‘baby boomers’ for the little one-room school. They had about ¼ more entering students than they could accommodate. So, the school board decided to move the entry date back from 12/31/1950 to 9/30/ 1950. So, despite my desire to start that fall of 1955, I would have to wait until 1956. When the superintendent of schools made this announcement to all the parents in 1955, he entertained some questions. My Dad, knowing how much I (and probably both my parents) wanted me to start school that year, explained that I had been “due” on September 10th of 1950, and although I finally decided to come out on 18 October 1950 (at 10 months and 11 pounds), that I should be considered for the high school class of 1968; the superintendent was not sympathetic and I had to wait another year to enroll in kindergarten. It all worked out in the end.
We have had a beautiful fall foliage season. It’s probably been the best one in many years. The peak lasted from about October 15th until about October 26th this year. In other years, it is much earlier than that. So, it’s hard to plan ahead. But this year was spectacular!
And just as it seemed that winter was beginning, these last days have been unseasonably warm and a kind of Indian summer. I even played golf today when it reached the high 60s and it’s one of the few times I’ve played golf in November. I finally got most of my leaves raked up and deposited on my hill in the back. That’s lots of work and I’m getting too old to do that. It’s good exercise! But I’m not sure if that is how I want to get my exercise in future years!
Time to get to the jokes. I know.
I too love bacon and butter and am glad to read the following:
To What Does the Oldest Woman Credit Her Longevity?
Despite what we’ve recently heard about the increased risk of cancer from consuming processed meats, …..
From the Morris County, New Jersey “Daily Record”
“Not many people will say that eating bacon every day is the key to a long life, but the world’s oldest woman swears by it. Susannah Mushatt Jones, 116, keeps a steady diet of bacon, eggs and grits for breakfast. A sign in her kitchen reads: ‘Bacon makes everything better.’ … Jones credits her longevity to ‘lots of sleep,’ Guinness said. … Jones was born in a small farm town near Montgomery, Ala., on July 6, 1899. She was one of 11 siblings and attended a special school for young black girls. When she graduated from high school in 1922, Jones worked full time helping family members pick crops. She left after a year to begin working as a nanny, heading north to New Jersey and eventually making her way to New York.”
Thank God she didn’t say it was kale! Just kidding, Jon!
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of good health and living a long life, …..
Will I Live to See 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned fifty-five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,… 'Then, why do you even care?’
* * * * * * * *
Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.
Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the Donald.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
* * * * * * * *
Honey Bees
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How did it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
* * * * * * * *
Heavenly Baseball
Two 90-year-old men, Tom and Chris, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Tom was dying, Chris visited him every day.
One day Chris said, "Tom, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school.
Please do me one favor:
When you get to heaven, Tom somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Tom looked up at Chris from his deathbed and said, "Chris, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
A few nights later, Chris was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
“Chris…”
"Who is it," asked Chris sitting up suddenly.
"Who is it?"
"Chris -- it's me, Tom."
"You're not Tom.
Tom just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Tom," insisted the voice.
"Tom, where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Tom.
"I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Chris.
"The good news," Tom said with joy and enthusiasm, “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too.
Even better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired.
And we get to play with all the greats of the past!”
“That’s fantastic,” said Chris
“It’s beyond my wildest dreams!
So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
* * * * * * * *
A Logical Question
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn’t think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”
“Well,” said the flight attendant, “you go tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”
* * * * * * * *
Two hillbillies from Georgia walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'...
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Classic
The Bricklayer’s Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
* * * * * * * *
I hope this answers your queries about where the TGIF has been hiding for the last few of five weeks!
I’ll try to to better and find time to edit them more often if you promise to try (and do) send me some good material. Otherwise, it might be another month until you receive another TGIF message! You are forewarned!
Have a fanatastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
