After all the new snow, the skiing was great today. And the “après ski” at the “Loft” was even better. Thanks to Dr. Tooth I was given some Long Trail paraphernalia and thanks to Double V, who lied that his birthday was today (although it’s really tomorrow), we were all rewarded by a generous couple from the flatland south of here to a free round of drinks. I might need to seek some counseling about the people that I hang out with.
And speaking of Double V, the birthday boy (today!) this following one is for him.
The Fly Fisherman
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was tying some flies for an upcoming fishing trip.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit fly fishing. Maybe you should sell your rods and reels.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replies "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was tying some flies for an upcoming fishing trip.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit fly fishing. Maybe you should sell your rods and reels.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replies "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."
* * * * *
OKAY. I don’t normally get the “almost same – but different” joke in the same week. So, if you didn’t like “fly fishing”, how about golfing? Seriously, I got the above one and the below one this same week! So there!
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“
(TGIF Editor’s Note: how many other hobbies do we have for this joke? How about stamp collecting? What is sacred anymore?)
* * * * *
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.......
The $4.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $4.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs...'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $6.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
The $4.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $4.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs...'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $6.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
* * * * *
Okay, I was caught out last week by re-using one that I had used as recently as last December, so now I am a bit gun-shy to use the following one, since I’ve seen it before and may have used it also not that long ago – but I just can’t remember – and probably you can’t either, right???
So, here goes.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now."
(Editor’s Note: All the more reason to get a Mac!)
* * * * *
SOME GOOD THINGS TO KNOW
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. (and we want to know this - why?????)
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
- (I knew it! ).
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
- (I knew it! ).
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down while shooting so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (To my son - this is NOT an invitation to try prove me wrong......)
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (The suits or the astronauts?? )
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (To my son - this is NOT an invitation to try prove me wrong......)
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. (The suits or the astronauts?? )
* * * * *
A CAT WENT TO HEAVEN
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, its WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious.”
* * * * *
THE ART of BREAKING IN and ENTERING
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
* * * * *
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England, and attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England, and attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Here is his astute answer ....
“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.”
“And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
* * * * *
TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken!'
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken!'
* * * * *
Thumbs up for it being Friday, right? And Happy Birthday Double V!
Time to just say “au revoir” until la prochaine vendredi, n’est-ce pas?!
Bon weekend! (Or should I say « bon fin de la semaine » ?)
See ya next end of the week!
TGI-Jeff
