Greetings to all the TGIF faithful as we are in the early stages of the new year 2013. May it be a peaceful one for all! For all of my readers, may it be a healthy and fulfilling year for each of you. Don’t forget that life is a lot better when you manage to keep and use your sense of humour. I will do my best to provide you with some humour to appreciate and to share with your friends, family and colleagues. You know that I don’t charge for this service; except that if you receive a good joke that you don’t recall seeing in a previous TGIF message, think of forwarding to me. Thanks. Happy New Year!
I hope that you all have deliberately considered what your new year’s resolutions will be this year and seriously intend to carry them out.
I’ve noticed an increased usage of the gym that I frequent in these early days of the new year and most of the newcomers look like they’re attempting to lose some extra pounds. I think I heard that losing weight is the most common “resolution”. Well, I wish that all of you who have this as an objective do indeed succeed so that you live a healthier life. Remember, it is not just exercise but a good balanced diet (and smaller portions). However, it is not easy. (“The Devil made me eat that!”)
Choosing Between GOOD & EVIL
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them! And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food Cake."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger; then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them! And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food Cake."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger; then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
* * * * *
"Of course I won't laugh,'' said the nurse. ''I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''
''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing... the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
''I am so sorry,'' she said. ''I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?''…
''It's swollen,'' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
She ran out of the room.
* * * * *
It seems that after a poor showing by the Minnesota Vikings in last week’s NFL Wild Card Playoff game, some of the disgruntled fans have updated an old version of similar frustrations about your “home” team.
The Minnesota Vikings
The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Minneapolis . For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
* * *
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
* * *
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings
* * *
Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
* * *
Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
* * *
Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. An Impostor.
* * *
Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
* * *
Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. An Impostor.
* * *
Q. What's the difference between the Minnesota Viking and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
* * *
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
* * *
Q. How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody Knows
A. Nobody Knows
* * *
Q. What do the Vikings and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
* * * * *
THE OLD PILOT
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 pilot, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light”.
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
* * * * *
The Brief “Obit”
A Woman goes to the Local Newspaper Office to see that the Obituary for her recently Deceased Husband is published.
The Obit Editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the Woman's thrift, the Editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all Obituaries.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the Woman's thrift, the Editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all Obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown Died.... GOLF CLUBS FOR SALE."
* * * * *
The young teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the horrible response of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . .“And you, Nancy?"
"I wanna’ be Billy's bitch.”
* * * * *
Although I’ve seen the following one before, I really don’t remember if I’ve used it in a TGIF edition and since my sister sent it to me, I feel obliged to use it. I’m just saying that to cover myself if indeed I used it in a recent edition and neither my sister nor I noticed or remembered that!
The Fortune Teller
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Fortune Teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
(For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........)
* * * * *
So, if the previous one did not already classify as a Golden Oldie, then the following one will have to do for today’s editon. Yes, it’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic.
The Ancient History of the Internet (TGIF editor’s note: a newer version of an old one!)
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
* * * * *
And Al Gore invented the internet – that’s also the truth. And Paul Pierce IS “The Truth”! Go Celtics!
And “Go Patriots!” too as they play on Sunday against Houston. I hope the sideline headset on the Texans’ side will be saying “Houston, we have a problem” with Tom Brady and Wes Welker and “the Gronk”!
I welcome a new TGIF member today, Mr. DoubleV. Happy to be playing tennis, ping pong and skiing with you, not to mention enjoying some adult beverages with you as well. Maybe some of the above stuff you can share with your FB audience. I promise to “Like” them the next time you post something. It’s just that with this hobby of mine, going on now for about 18 years, I may have seen almost every joke there is. To pay your TGIF dues, all you have to do is contribute a new joke from time to time. For some, that is once a month. For others, it’s twice a year and for others it’s once a year and still others, it’s once in a blue moon. And for a majority of TGIF members, it’s almost never. But they keep hanging on by the generosity of the frequent contributors. Thank God. And thank God that today is Friday for all you working stiffs. Right?
Some of you old timers might be wondering about how some of today’s material made it past the TGIF censor. Well, times are rough, as we all know, and I have had to lower my standards in order to find enough material to be able to publish an edition. But I know I can count on many of my more vulgar members (like Dr. Tooth) not to complain about my using such stuff. If I have offended any of you, I am sorry. The way to solve that issue is for you (the offended) to send me some good, funny and clean material to use. Got it?
And with that, I wish you all a “Fantastic Friday, Wonderful Weekend and a Peaceful and Healthy New Year 2013!”
TGI-Jeff
