Greetings on this Friday. Debba has not thrown in the towel and keeps coming up with material for me to use. So, I soldier on! Lucky for you!
It’s been very cold this week and too cold for me to go skiing. So, I’ve been cleaning out my basement of old papers and stuff. I discovered that I had saved all my old IRS tax filings since 1973 and have shredded all of those up through 2010, filling a whole bag for trash to get rid of.
The current daily news is so depressing that I find it difficult to listen to NPR and often listen to classical music instead.
Dianne and I hope to see her granddaughter Leigh play in a basketball game tomorrow. She is a talented young lady who loves to ride her horses, but is also good at soccer, basketball and wants to play softball in the spring.
Dianne and I continue to spend some of our free time on putting 1000 piece puzzles together. We have done about 50 or 60 of them in the last 5 years.
Let’s see what we have in store for you today:
Beaten
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.’
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, dumbass, get in.'
* * * * * * * *
GUILTY?
Judge: "This is a very brutal act. If you want the court to reduce your sentence, you'll need to explain the motive behind your action."
Man: "She’s so dumb that I just had to kill her."
Judge: "What you're saying isn't helping your case at all. If you don’t want the jury to condemn you right away, you should offer at least one mitigating explanation."
The man starts talking: "It happened like this. We live in an apartment building. On the first floor, there’s a family with three kids. The problem is that their kids are naturally small—between 80 and 90 cm tall. One day, I came home, and my wife said, 'Something’s wrong with our neighbors. Their kids are real Pyrenees.'
I said, 'No, you mean Pygmies.'
'No,' she said, 'A pygmy is something under your skin that causes freckles.'
I said, 'That’s pigment.'
'No,' she said, 'pigment is what the ancient Romans wrote on.'
I said, 'That’s parchment!'
'No,' she said, 'parchment is when a poet starts something but doesn’t finish it...'
'Your Honor, you have to appreciate that I held back from mentioning the word fragment. I sat down in my chair and started reading the newspaper. Then she came up to me and said something that made me realize she belonged in a mental institution.'
She said, 'Honey, look at this!'
She opened a book, pointed to a passage, and said: 'The parasol of the handbag was the teacher of the pimp 15.'
I took the book and calmly explained, 'But darling, this is a French book. It says: La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Louis XV, which means: "The Marquise de Pompadour was the mistress of Louis XV."'
'No,' my wife insisted, 'you have to translate it word for word: La Marquise = parasol, Pompadour = handbag, la Maitresse = teacher, Louis XV = pimp 15. And I should know; I hired an excellent legionnaire to teach me French.'
I said, 'You mean a lector.'
'No,' she said, ' Lector was an ancient Greek hero.'
I said, 'That was Hector, and he was from Troy.'
'No,' she said, 'Hector is a unit of area.'
I said, 'That’s a hectare!'
'No,' she said, 'a hectare is a drink of the gods.'
I said, 'That’s nectar!'
'No,' she said, 'Nectar is a river in southern Germany.'
I said, 'That’s the Neckar!'
Then my wife said, 'You remember that lovely song about the Rhine and the Nectar that we sang as a duo recently?'
I said, 'That’s called a duet.'
'No,' she said, 'a duet is when two men fight with swords.'
I said, 'That’s a duel!'
'No,' she said, 'a duel is a hole in a hill where trains go through.'
'And at that point, Your Honor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a hammer and beat her to death.'
There was a moment of silence. Then the judge stood up and declared the verdict:
'Acquitted! I would have killed her at Hector.'"
* * * * * * * *
My Child?
A dying husband in his hospital bed asks his wife, “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. So tell me, now that I’m close to dying, did he have a different father?”
His wife, crying, barely gets out an answer . . . “Yes” she says.
So he asks, “Tell me then, now that I’m close to dying, who’s child is it?”
His wife, now crying uncontrollably, replies, “Yours!"
* * * * * * * *
Barbie
One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”
The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95.”
The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."
* * * * * * * *
WRESTLING
The wrestling match was about to begin and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!" The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!" "Good! Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!" "Coach!" The crowd in the arena was roaring. The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats. The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared. Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center. After a few moments, the match began. Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed. The crowd surged. The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck. "The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win. Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring. The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned. The count went down. There was a new Champion. Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand. He was amazed, shocked. The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed. "How did you do that? No one has ever got out of The Pretzel! Never!" "Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good. I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down. I couldn't move." "I looked up and there was a groin hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could." "You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."
* * * * * * * *
What’s in a Name?
A Chinese man was sitting at the bar when a Jewish man comes up and punches him in the nose. He grabs his nose and says, “What was that for?”
The Jewish man says, “That’s for Pearl Harbor.”
The Chinese man exclaims, “Pearl Harbor?!? I’m Chinese! That was the Japanese!”
To which the Jewish man replies, “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese…they’re all the same.”
The Chinese man sits at the bar getting angrier and angrier. Finally, he can take no more and goes and punches the Jewish man in his nose and says, “That’s for the Titanic!”
The Jewish man is puzzled. “The Titanic?!?”
“Goldberg, Steinberg, Iceberg…they’re all the same!” Replies the Chinese man.
* * * * * * * *
Last Wishes
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car. It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection. Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.
Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"
* * * * * * * *
Communications 101
A woman sends a text to her husband.
Wife: “Honey, don’t forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: “Who is Valerie?”
Wife: “Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have conformation that you saw my text.”
Husband: “But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?”
Wife: “What?!!?? Where are you?”
Husband: “Near the bakery.”
Wife: “Wait, I’m coming right now!”
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery. Where are you?”
Husband: “I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, buy the bread!"
* * * * * * * *
Don’t Step On a Duck!
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
* * * * * * * *
Well, as long as Debba keeps up providing material, I can continue sharing it with you.
Unless, you object. You can always contribute something yourself!
I wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
