TGIF - 28 March 2025

 Greetings from you occasional Friday guy! I know, it’s been a while since my last issue. But, at least, I hope Debba can enjoy this one as it has contributions from others than just her.

 

Let me update you all (whether you are interested or not) on some family news. We hosted Jon, Melissa and Logan last weekend here in Vermont. We went to a sugar house to observe the whole process and went to the park with all the kids equipment (slides, etc.). He’s such a cute kid and so smart! (Hey, I’m his grandpa!) It’s so much fun spending time with them.

 

I will be going out to Colorado to help my older brother, Nate, celebrate his 80^th birthday in a few weeks. We will be skiing in Winter Park for 3 days and then go back to Estes Park where Karen is throwing a party for him on the weekend. I have been skiing at my local area about once per week since the beginning of January. I went today (Thursday) and skied hard for 3 hours, doing 12 runs and 15,000 feet of vertical. It was getting a bit slushy by noon and I thought it best to quit while I was ahead and still upright. I think I’m in shape now to ski those 3 days with Nate at Winter Park.

 

I hear that there is going to be a partial solar eclipse here on early Saturday morning. That also means that the month of Ramadan is nearly over. Not living in a Muslim country, I am not aware of that calendar. But Eid-al-Fitr is on the 31^st it seems. So, I wish my Muslim friends, “Eid Mubarak!”.

 

Today, Thursday. is also Opening Day for Major League Baseball in America. The official opening games took place in Japan earlier in the week. I just got through watching my Boston Red Sox win their first game in Texas today. They seem to have a good team this year.

 

Today is also the first day of the Sweet Sixteen in the college men’s NCAA March Madness tourney.  There are 4 games tonight and another 4 tomorrow night. My UCONN men’s team lost a close one to #1 seed Florida last weekend and are out. But the UCONN women are still in it and have a good opportunity to make it to the final four and win it all. I’m all in on them. I think Duke will win the men’s bracket. In the NBA, my Boston Celtics (last season’s champs) are still really good and should go far in the playoffs. My. Bruins are not likely to make the hockey playoffs this time.

 

So, let’s see what I have to offer this week to help raise your spirits at the end of the week! Thank God It’s Friday!

 

Random Thoughts

Still trying to get my head around the fact that 'Take Out' can mean food, dating, or murder.

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen.'

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

It's weird being the same age as old people.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.  They seem like good people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ...... Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it doesn't listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad,' and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what's inside.

Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly...next week...Turn Signals.

The pessimist complains about the wind.   The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

Here’s a list of strenuous activities that does not require much physical effort.....

01) Beating around the bush...
02) Jumping to conclusions...
03) Climbing up the wall...
04) Swallowing your pride...
05) Passing the buck...
06) Throwing your weight around...
07) Dragging your heels...
08) Pushing your luck...
09) Making mountains out of molehills...
10) Hitting the nail on the head...
11) Wading through paperwork...
12) Bending over backwards...
13) Jumping on the bandwagon...
14) Balancing the books...
15) Running around in circles...
16) Eating crow...
17) Blowing your own horn...
18) Climbing the ladder of success...
19) Pulling out all the stops...
20) Adding fuel to the fire...
21) Opening a can of worms...
22) Putting your foot in your mouth...
23) Setting the ball rolling...
24) Going over the edge...
25) Picking up the pieces...

Whew! That is some workout! Now sit down and...

26) Exercise caution...!

 I remember that once, as a young man, I told my mother that she should get other exercises – other than jumping to conclusions!

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Those of you who have known me for a long time, even going back to high school, know that I have always enjoyed puns and used to have some fun making some of my own. Here are some, some old and some new.

 

Some Fun Puns

 

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
 
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humorous.
 
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" He replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.”

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.

Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of Herbivore.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
 

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Ralph came in to police chief: “I think my wife is trying to poison me.”

 

“Let me investigate”

 

A week later the chief called: “Ralph, I called your wife and she talked for 2-1/2 hours.  The next day, she came to the station and sat with me for 4 hours.   My advice: take the poison.”

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Mildred and Stan celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and a reporter asked how they had lasted through 60 years of marriage?

 

Mildred replied:  it goes back to our days at Grinnell College. Stan majored in public speaking and I majored in theatre.  So, throughout our marriage, Stan has spoken loquaciously on various topics and I've acted like I am listening. 

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Too Much Alike

 

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?” 

 

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.” 

 

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?” 

 

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it.” 

 

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. 

 

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. 

 

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!” 

 

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.” 

 

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!” 

 

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!” 

 

The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

You Were Drunk Again Last Night!

 A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. 

 

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. 

 

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. 

 

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?” 

 

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” 

 

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?” 

 

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" He asked, surprised. 

 

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?” 

 

"What is it you wish of me, my child?” 

 

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” 

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” 

 

"With your honest face, father, no one will question you.” 

 

When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?” 

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” 

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” 

 

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” 

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Sometimes it pays to be honest! It’s the best policy!

 

How I managed to get through this without any disparaging remarks about our country’s current status, I don’t know. Well, maybe the humor above will help those of you who are down and discouraged get through another week. Hope so.

 

I end by wishing you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Until the next time.

 

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 21 February 2025

  

Greetings on this Friday. Debba has not thrown in the towel and keeps coming up with material for me to use. So, I soldier on! Lucky for you! 

 

It’s been very cold this week and too cold for me to go skiing. So, I’ve been cleaning out my basement of old papers and stuff. I discovered that I had saved all my old IRS tax filings since 1973 and have shredded all of those up through 2010, filling a whole bag for trash to get rid of.

 

The current daily news is so depressing that I find it difficult to listen to NPR and often listen to classical music instead.

 

Dianne and I hope to see her granddaughter Leigh play in a basketball game tomorrow. She is a talented young lady who loves to ride her horses, but is also good at soccer, basketball and wants to play softball in the spring.

 

Dianne and I continue to spend some of our free time on putting 1000 piece puzzles together. We have done about 50 or 60 of them in the last 5 years. 

 

Let’s see what we have in store for you today:

 

Beaten

 

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

 

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back. 

 

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.’ 

 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, dumbass, get in.'

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

GUILTY?

 

Judge: "This is a very brutal act. If you want the court to reduce your sentence, you'll need to explain the motive behind your action."

Man: "She’s so dumb that I just had to kill her."

Judge: "What you're saying isn't helping your case at all. If you don’t want the jury to condemn you right away, you should offer at least one mitigating explanation."

The man starts talking: "It happened like this. We live in an apartment building. On the first floor, there’s a family with three kids. The problem is that their kids are naturally small—between 80 and 90 cm tall. One day, I came home, and my wife said, 'Something’s wrong with our neighbors. Their kids are real Pyrenees.'

I said, 'No, you mean Pygmies.'

'No,' she said, 'A pygmy is something under your skin that causes freckles.'

I said, 'That’s pigment.'

'No,' she said, 'pigment is what the ancient Romans wrote on.'

I said, 'That’s parchment!'

'No,' she said, 'parchment is when a poet starts something but doesn’t finish it...'

'Your Honor, you have to appreciate that I held back from mentioning the word fragment. I sat down in my chair and started reading the newspaper. Then she came up to me and said something that made me realize she belonged in a mental institution.'

She said, 'Honey, look at this!'

She opened a book, pointed to a passage, and said: 'The parasol of the handbag was the teacher of the pimp 15.'

I took the book and calmly explained, 'But darling, this is a French book. It says: La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Louis XV, which means: "The Marquise de Pompadour was the mistress of Louis XV."'

'No,' my wife insisted, 'you have to translate it word for word: La Marquise = parasol, Pompadour = handbag, la Maitresse = teacher, Louis XV = pimp 15. And I should know; I hired an excellent legionnaire to teach me French.'

I said, 'You mean a lector.'

'No,' she said, ' Lector was an ancient Greek hero.'

I said, 'That was Hector, and he was from Troy.'

'No,' she said, 'Hector is a unit of area.'

I said, 'That’s a hectare!'

'No,' she said, 'a hectare is a drink of the gods.'

I said, 'That’s nectar!'

'No,' she said, 'Nectar is a river in southern Germany.'

I said, 'That’s the Neckar!'

Then my wife said, 'You remember that lovely song about the Rhine and the Nectar that we sang as a duo recently?'

I said, 'That’s called a duet.'

'No,' she said, 'a duet is when two men fight with swords.'

I said, 'That’s a duel!'

'No,' she said, 'a duel is a hole in a hill where trains go through.'

'And at that point, Your Honor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a hammer and beat her to death.'

There was a moment of silence. Then the judge stood up and declared the verdict:

'Acquitted! I would have killed her at Hector.'"

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

My Child?

 

A dying husband in his hospital bed asks his wife, “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.  So tell me, now that I’m close to dying, did he have a different father?”

 

His wife, crying, barely gets out an answer . . . “Yes” she says.

 

So he asks, “Tell me then, now that I’m close to dying, who’s child is it?”

 

His wife, now crying uncontrollably, replies, “Yours!"

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Barbie

 

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?” 

 

The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95.” 

 

The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?” 

 

The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

WRESTLING

 

The wrestling match was about to begin and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!" The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!" "Good! Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!" "Coach!" The crowd in the arena was roaring. The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats. The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared. Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center. After a few moments, the match began. Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed. The crowd surged. The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck. "The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win. Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring. The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned. The count went down. There was a new Champion. Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand. He was amazed, shocked. The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed. "How did you do that? No one has ever got out of The Pretzel! Never!" "Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good. I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down. I couldn't move." "I looked up and there was a groin hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could." "You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

What’s in a Name?

 

A Chinese man was sitting at the bar when a Jewish man comes up and punches him in the nose. He grabs his nose and says, “What was that for?”

The Jewish man says, “That’s for Pearl Harbor.”

The Chinese man exclaims, “Pearl Harbor?!? I’m Chinese! That was the Japanese!”

To which the Jewish man replies, “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese…they’re all the same.”

The Chinese man sits at the bar getting angrier and angrier. Finally, he can take no more and goes and punches the Jewish man in his nose and says, “That’s for the Titanic!”

The Jewish man is puzzled. “The Titanic?!?”

“Goldberg, Steinberg, Iceberg…they’re all the same!” Replies the Chinese man.

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Last Wishes

 

Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car. It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection. Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly. 

 

Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” 

 

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.” 

 

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.” 

 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Communications 101

 

A woman sends a text to her husband.

 

Wife:  “Honey, don’t forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”

 

Husband:  “Who is Valerie?”

 

Wife:  “Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have conformation that you saw my text.”

 

Husband:  “But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?”

 

Wife:  “What?!!??  Where are you?”

 

Husband:  “Near the bakery.”

 

Wife:  “Wait, I’m coming right now!”

 

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

 

Wife:  I’m at the bakery.  Where are you?”

 

Husband:  “I’m at work.  Now that you’re at the bakery, buy the bread!"

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          

 

Don’t Step On a Duck!

 

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!” 

 

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” 

 

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

 

The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 

 

The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” 

 

The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Well, as long as Debba keeps up providing material, I can continue sharing it with you.

Unless, you object. You can always contribute something yourself!

 

I wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

 

TGI-Jeff