Greetings from Vermont as we approach the peak of a seemingly very muted fall foliage year. Earlier in the spring/early summer we had lots of rain, but we’ve been in a serious drought mode since July and the maples seem to be stressed. The Columbus Day (Indigenous Day) weekend usually is the peak but I’m not convinced we are going to have a peak pf anything this year so the flatlander “leaf-peekers” will no doubt be disappointed.
It's been more than 2 months since I last issued one of these, so let me bring you up to date a bit. At the end of August, I drove down to New York City to see Jon, Melissa and grandson, Logan. Jon and I had planned to go to the US Open tennis tourney on one day in the first week and we carried out that plan. We attended and watched several matches of our choosing on the Thursday of the first week and saw a lot of the second-round matches. We were there from 11 am to 11 pm! Great fun and a lot of good tennis. One more thing that I can cross off my “bucket list”!
Then I joined Jon’s family, including Melissa’s Mom and Aunt Mary at Carmella’s Poconos condo-getaway that she and Melissa’s late Dad purchased many years ago to get out of the city.
Meanwhile, Dianne was up here having fun spending a short week with her granddaughter, Maddy. They do interesting projects together, including sewing and other artsy stuff as well as cooking together. And, most importantly, Maddy helps her “grandma” with syncing her phone to her car, helping her connect to her earpods, get photos onto her I-pad, and so forth! (You get my drift?!)
Dianne spent a lot of time in August, September and early October weaving on her looms, both here and one at the lake house. She even took a loom with us on our annual 2-week vacation on Goose Rocks Beach in Maine in September. We had a great time there as usual, enjoying seafood and the beach and long walks. Mind you, I did not always take part on the long walks, much to Dianne’s chagrin. On the way to Maine, we stopped at a huge RV place in NH and looked at some RVs. We were leaning towards a pull behind and so when we were in Maine, we went to a Honda dealership, and I bought a 2025 Honda Ridgeline pickup. Now I can almost consider myself a real Vermonter. Except that I don’t hunt, nor own a dog. I guess I never will be a real Vermonter as I wasn’t born here. Reminds me of the old Vermont joke about the tourist from New Jersey who read an obit in the Montpelier local paper about a guy who died at the age of 89. It said that he was a native of Methuen Massachusetts and lived 88 years in Vermont. The NJ guy asked the local in the general store why you wouldn’t consider someone who lived 88 years in Vermont a Vermonter. The local responded by asking the flatlander “What would you call the offspring of a pregnant cat who jumped into the oven and had them, brownies???”
Let me finish this personal update with mention of a special celebration next weekend. I’ll be turning 75 on Saturday the 18th. Dianne and I decided to invite all our families (Dick, Taft, Johnson and Yelton) here for a celebratory dinner at the Weathersfield Inn on Saturday the 18th. All my kids and spouses will be here, as well as Dianne’s son, brother and wife and daughter’s family. And if the air traffic controllers don’t mess up their plans, my bother Nate and his wife Karen will be here too. And on the Taft side, Rod and Christine, Martha and Fred. I’m looking forward to it. Unfortunately, it looks like it is going to rain here parts of all the days next week. We need the rain! But hope it doesn’t rain on my parade!
Let’s see what Debba has provided.
The women members of the country Club complained about men urinating on course. After much deliberation, the board sent a letter: we are granting women equal rights.
(Note to Mike M: hope Judy likes this one!) J
A woman comes into the pharmacy and asks to purchase some potassium cyanide. The pharmacist inquires “what for?”
“To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell cyanide for that!”
She pulls out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist’s wife.
Oh, that’s different, I didn’t know you had a prescription!
* * * * * * * *
Two couples enjoyed dinner. After they ate, the wives repaired to the kitchen and the husbands lingered at the table. Bob says to George: “we went to a fantastic restaurant last night.”
“Cool—what was its name?”
“ What’s the name of the red flower with thorns that we give our wives at Valentine’s Day?”
“A Rose”
“Right, thanks”
He turns toward the kitchen… “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant?”
* * * * * * * *
An elderly couple went to the sex counselor—she could no longer get an orgasm. The therapist recommended they hire a young handsome hunk and have him wave a towel over them when they made love. They did so, but she failed to achieve orgasm. They returned to the therapist, who recommended that the husband and the hunk switch places. Which they did. Within several minutes, the wife reached a roof-rattling orgasm. The husband told the hunk: “Now that’s how you wave a towel!”
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of bad sex,
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting. Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?" She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad se*." He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head. The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?" Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."
* * * * * * * *
A prospector walks into a saloon. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve miners.”
Did you hear about the guy who tried to be a prospector? It didn’t pan out.
Why can’t you trust an atom? They make up everything.
What happened to the man who broke his arm in two places? He stopped going to those places.
What did his fellow mathematicians say to the guy who invented the zero? Well, thanks for nothing.
What was the kindergartner accused of when he refused to take a nap? Resisting a rest.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
* * * * * * * *
A fellow is having computer problems at work, so he calls the IT department.
A technician arrives and asks the man for his password.
"My password is MickeyMinnieGoofyPlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldBerlin," the fellow replies.
"Why is it so long?" the technician asks.
"Because," the man replies, "I was told it had to be eight characters and a capital."
* * * * * * * *
An elderly gentleman with a hearing problem goes to an audiologist, who fits him with hearing aids. A month later, the man returns to the doctor for a checkup.
"Your hearing with the aids is almost perfect," the doctor remarks. "Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
"Oh, I haven't told them yet," the gentleman replies, "I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times so far!"
* * * * * * * *
A Scotsman fell overboard in the South Pacific and managed to swim to a small island. He was lying exhausted on the beach when a native girl approached and asked, “Sailor want drink?” He said yes, and she brought him a bottle of 12-year-old Scotch. Then she asked, “Sailor want food?” He said yes, and she brought him a platter of haggis. Then she asked, “Sailor want to play around?” The Scotsman, startled, said, “Don’t tell me you also have a golf course on this island.”
(That’s a version of an old one that I’ve used before!)
* * * * * * * *
Confession
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
* * * * * * * *
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is obese. A rabbit runs and hops, eats vegetables and only lives fifteen years. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet lives for over four hundred years. And you tell me to exercise?
Some things you discover when you're older:
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A doctor told a man he had Parkinson's disease. He said, "I don't care what he's got. What's wrong with me?"
"Doc, I want to walk like I did when I was twenty." "Do you mean upright and briskly?" "No, with a girl on each arm!"
My wife said the nice thing about my failing memory is that I've finally forgotten a lot of my bad jokes.
If a blender does the blending, a washer does the washing and a toaster does the toasting, why is it when I use my walker I'm the one doing all the walking?
Did you hear the story about the slippery eel? No matter. You wouldn't grasp it.
I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill.
A man goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in the trunk. In desperation, he ties those around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, Okay. I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
If nothing goes right, try going left.
The men in an army troop had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge says, "I've got good news and bad news. Today we're going to change our underwear." The troop starts cheering wildly. "Now the bad news" continues the Sarge. "Smith you change with Jones. Andrews you change with Murphy..."
My wife says she has come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I'm gonna stand outside. So if you see me, you can tell everybody I'm outstanding.
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me. I'll laugh at you.
I once met a girl named Unique. She has an identical twin sister.
Some folks think the best way to start aid to education would be to teach arithmetic in Washington.
Did you hear about the duck who went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist to give him a Chapstick and put it on his bill?
Then there was the English teacher who had a snowman in her class. She had to flunk him because he couldn't get the drift.
Did you hear about the fight between the dentist and the manicurist? They went at it tooth and nail.
* * * * * * * *
Another Old One but good one:
Joe met an older woman at a bar. He thought she looked pretty good for a woman he took to be in her early sixties. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all, and Joe found himself thinking she probably had a really good-looking daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked him if he’d ever had a "Sportman’s Double." “What’s that?” Joe asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said. As Joe's mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, Joe said “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “well, tonight’s your lucky night.” They went back to her place. They walked in. She put on the all light and shouted upstairs, “Mom . . .you still awake?”
* * * * * * * *
A Science Question
A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one material, what would it be?
One girl said, "I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
One boy said, "I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher said, "Little Johnny, What would you want?”
Johnny said, "I would want silicone.”
"Why would you want silicone?" asked the teacher.
"Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
* * * * * * * *
Good Fortune
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer. “Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?” I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie. Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’ So, boys, here I am!”
* * * * * * * *
Well, it wasn’t all from Debba. Thanks to you few others who do contribute. At least, this way, Debba gets to see some new ones!
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
