Greetings to all you TGIF faithful for a second week in a row! Hooray! And TGIF! It is Friday the 13th and that is ominous for many. So, be careful and try to avoid any trouble.
When I hastily put together a TGIF message I often skim the jokes I select and if I like them, I cut and paste them onto a Word document. When finalized, I copy and paste that particular issue
I am compelled to report that the correspondent who sent the Buddhist-buying-a-hot dog joke omitted the second part, namely: "When the Buddhist receives his hot dog, he hands the vendor a dollar for the 75 cent dog, and the vendor pockets the bill. The Buddhist says 'where's my change?' and the vendor replies 'Change comes from within'."
That input came from an old friend and TGIF member. Much appreciated!
It’s been cold here lately and gets dark late afternoon. I finally got my outdoor Christmas lights up. I don’t know why I always wait til there is snow on the ground and the temperatures are below freezing before I start that job. Each year I swear I will begin after Halloween and yet, every year it’s not til early December until I do.
Last night Dianne and I watched my favorite college basketball team, the University of Connecticut women’s team, lose to Notre Dame. Every time UCONN made a run at closing the gap, the ND sharpshooters would hit a few 3s to pull ahead. That is their first loss this season. I also enjoy watching the UCONN men’s team, who have won the national NCAA title in each of the last 2 seasons. They are challenged to repeat again this year, but it’s not impossible.
Also, this evening the University of Vermont’s men’s soccer team plays Denver (DU) in the Division 1 semi-finals. We’ll be watching and cheering for UVM. My brother Nate will be rooting for DU!
Let’s dive into the jokes bag and see what it yields today.
Yep – He’s Right!
George came home from university in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?”
"No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?”
George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband.
"Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son.”
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"It was your idea in the first place," her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."
* * * * * * * *
Doing Business
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
"Done!" replies the government official.
See? – It Works!
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 80 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"
* * * * * * * *
Being 8 Again!
A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be 8 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!"
* * * * * * * *
Marriage
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles. He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?’
Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself... "I'LL ALTER HIM."
* * * * * * * *
Surgeon’s Gloves
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, "No?”
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again.”
And she didn't laugh a bit!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."
* * * * * * * *
Why You Should Not Use Drugs!
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?”
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? “
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?”
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"
* * * * * * * *
Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday (but be careful today – the 13th) and a wonderful weekend.
TGI-Jeff
