Greetings to you all on this last Friday of the first week of March. I realize that I have not been very “regular” with my Friday messages. But from what I hear from many of you, you enjoy them even if they are not as frequent as before. It might improve if I finally retire from my retirement life! It’s fairly easy to get involved in lots of activities when you “retire”, and while many of them are worthwhile ones, they are time obligations and you are not free to do whatever you want, whenever. So, I’ve started to step away from some of them and look forward to having more time to myself and to Dianne.
Although we are still in Winter, one sign of the approaching Spring is when the morning sunlight enters my eastern kitchen window and that usually first happens in early March. I saw it this week on the 2nd. So, that’s some hopeful news during this time of turbulence in the world, especially in Ukraine. Let’s hope Peace can return to that country ASAP.
Today is Vermont Day as on this day in 1790, Vermont became the 14th State of the Union. All of our State had our respective Town Meeting days this past Tuesday. Some remain virtual, while some returned to “in-person”. We all voted in one fashion or the other.
I told Dianne today that it looks like the Major League Baseball season might be delayed due to a strike. I think she looked pleased. We’ll see.
Life goes on and hopefully we will be able to engage more fully with our families and friends this year.
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End of Life – Bible Study Group Discussion
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death.
The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did, we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everyone shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" "Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life."
* * * * * * * *
Here’s some good advice:
Advice from a Tree
· Stand tall and be proud
· Go out on a limb.
· Reach for the sky.
· Adapt to change.
· Branch out.
· Stay grounded
· Remember your roots.
· Drink plenty of water.
· Get rid of dead wood.
· Be confident.
· Never stop growing.
· Bend before you break.
· Turn over a new leaf
· Enjoy the view.
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An Unwanted Admission
A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he doesn’t recognize her and asks. "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you are the father of one of my kids."
He panics, and thinks of the only time he was unfaithful to his wife and says, "OMG” Are you the stripper that was at my bachelor party that I put on the pool table while all of my buddies watched and then you and your friend covered me in whip cream and licked it all off?
The woman looks at him, eyes wide and responds. "No. I'm your son's math teacher."
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The Italian Secret to a Long Life
Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do You stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?
* * * * * * * *
Government Might BE the Problem
Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
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The Duck Hunter – Bang!
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter's horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first, please," said the hunter.
"Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news then?' asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.”
"Oh no, I mean, at least I'm alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?''
“Not exactly...' answered the doctor delicately. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.'
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The Two Grandmothers
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow! How come?” remarked Dolly.
"Very simple solution... I don't sign the check!"
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IT’S TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:
The Final Exam
A college professor reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.’
‘I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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I hope for an early end to the war in Ukraine with a positive result for the people of that country.
I wish you all a happy Friday and a peaceful weekend.
TGI-Jeff
