Greetings from your Friday jokes guy – for the first time in 6 months! However, reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated!
I decided to take some time off and enjoy life as I thought we were emerging from the plague. Not so fast! It’s still hanging around, unfortunately.
Some of my local friends here in Vermont have shamed me into resuming the Friday tradition. One friend said his friends were getting tired of hearing the same old Irish jokes (that he got from TGIF) and he needed new material! Okay, Duke, I’ll try to oblige. I have not looked into the joke bag but I fear it is full of old and used jokes. Let’s hope I can find a few new ones. I say that knowing that two-thirds of you will not remember, and will appreciate seeing anything, even ones that you likely have seen before.
It’s been 6 months and so I will not attempt to update you on detailed family stuff only this brief summary:
Dianne and I have been well and enjoying summer, either here or at her lake house. For me, the highlight of the summer was to have all 3 of my kids with us at the lake in July. That’s when Joya and hubby Chris flew home from Capetown to get their Covid vaccination and her brothers, Jon and Phil came up here during their short stay. A few weeks later, Phil and Kailey, and Jon and Melissa, also visited us here in Vermont. And we’ve had some time also with Dianne’s kids and 3 grandkids. So nice. Family is so important!
The latest family news is that Philip and Kailey are now engaged. They live in San Diego and are both working good jobs. They’ve been together now for about 7 years. They went on a short trip to Alaska last month and he proposed to her there. I’m so happy. Meanwhile, the wait on grandkids continues………….
Political correctness...things have not changed much from 1945!
This is Truly Priceless! Note reference to the "Main Stream Media"...76 years ago
What is meant by the modern term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"...The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri.
The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.
The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo, Japan 0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?
(2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan 1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!
Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means…..
* * * * * * * *
An Irish Tale
(Here you go Duke)
Irish Tale
As only the Irish can tell a story!!!!!!
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .....and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
* * * * * * * *
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
"Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps or race and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Zulu or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...
I CAN'T PRAY?"
* * * * * * * *
Father, Forgive Me
Father Bill and Reverend Tom pass each other on the way to their respective services on Sunday morning as each of them rides a bike.
One Sunday the rev is walking instead of riding and the good father asks where’s your bike? Don’t know, father, I think someone’s stolen it. Bill replies ‘’Well, things were going missing round the church at one stage, Damn Catholics will take anything not nailed down; so one Sunday I’d had enough so I did the ten commandments for the sermon and laid it on real thick. By next Sunday, everything was back in the church.’’
Thanks for the suggestion Father, I’ll keep that in mind.
Next week he’s got his bike back. “So how did it go” Reverend Tom replies. “Well I did the ten commandments like you said, laying it on thick as, and when I got to “though shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered were I left the bike!
* * * * * * * *
The Scottish Kilt
Two lasses were walking to the market early one morning and they spied Fergus lying in the ditch sleeping against a tree obviously not making it home from the pub the night before.
The one turned to the other and asked,
“Do you really know what they wear under the kilt?”
“Well, I think so but…”
“Well, now’s the chance to find out, girl.”
So they quietly approached and lifted Fergus’ kilt and took a peak.
“Oh, my!” said the first lass.
The other one, always a bit of the troublemaker, pulled a ribbon from her hair and carefully tied it around what they found. Giggling to each other they continued on to the village.
Sometime later, Fergus awoke and felt a powerful call of nature. He stepped behind the tree and lifted his kilt, looked down and said,
“I duno where ya been and I duno what ya been doin’, but ye musta done good, you got first prize!”
* * * * * * * *
The Chinese Man in India
A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.
On his way, by seeing a bus, he told the taxi driver, that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.
After some time, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow here. In China, trains run very fast.
Throughout the journey, he complained to the driver disparaging India.However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.
When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what is the meter reading and taxi fare.
The taxi driver replied it is Rs. 5,000.
The Chinese guy was shell-shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted "are you kidding? in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?"
To this, the taxi bro replied calmly,
Sir,
“THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA...”
* * * * * * * *
The Priest and the Rabbi (an old one)
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I guess that’s enough for the first time back in 6 months.
Remember that old Burma Shave saying:
Thirty Days
Has September,
April, June and
The Speed offender!
Wishing you all a Happy Fall!
Take care and be good.
TGI-Jeff
