Greetings from your Friday guy from a very nice warm spell in Vermont as the summer is coming to an end. One of my maple trees is already starting to have its leaves turn from green to yellow and fall on my lawn. I’ve been taking advantage of the nice warm weather to play some golf as there are probably not too many good days for that left. My men’s league partner and I managed to win the playoff for 3rd place in our flight of our summer golf league on Wednesday night. It was great as only a few weeks ago, we lost to this same team. Revenge!
The baseball season is winding down (and my Red Sox are in first place for now) and the NFL (professional football league) has begun a week ago. College football is off and running too. Lots to watch if you are so inclined.
I am looking forward to the visit of my three kids this weekend and beyond. Jon can only come for the weekend; but Joya and Phil will be here for several days up through next Thursday. So, that’s great. Phil flies in to NYC from San Diego as I write this on Thursday night. Joya will go to NYC from DC on Friday and the three of them will drive up from the Big Apple on Saturday. I am so looking forward to this.
Let’s see what stuff I have to offer to you on this last day of the working week! TGIF!
Revised Alphabet
Here is a revised alphabet for us seniors!
I’m sorry if many of you don’t like to be reminded of our physical declines; but it’s kind of funny.
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said. But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show.
H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend. K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found.
W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind. Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
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Golf
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
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And speaking of golf, it is good exercise and provides a good reason to drink, as well.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
That’s better than my car!
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32 Strange Things to get your mind off of politics!
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2". (Before about 1965, a 2 x 4 was really 1-3/4" by 3-34".)
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries... .)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
SEE....NOW WASN'T THAT CALMING AND NICE FOR A CHANGE?.....
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Murphy’s Other 14 Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
10. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Black Bras – Size 38
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish storekeeper, known as a skillful businessman, says that black bras are rare and it is very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, this time for $75.00 each.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras, size 38 and asks, "What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy says, "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps for $200.00 each."
The Chinese guy says, "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps for $200.00 each."
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Time for the TGIF Golden Classic
The Maid Asks For A Raise
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: “Your husband, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason, that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: “Your husband did!
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife: (really boiling now and through gritted teeth) "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So then, how much did you have in mind?
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Just time enough left to wish you all a Fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!
TGI-Jeff
