Greetings from your Friday guy on this first Friday of the new year 2017! Vermont has been getting a lot more snow so far this winter than some of the state got all of last winter. So, the ski areas are happy and those who enjoy the winter activities of skiing, snow shoeing, cross country skiing, snow-mobiling and skating are also a lot happier this year.
I really enjoyed having all my “kids” here over the Christmas week. That means my 3, plus new son-in-law Chris and my first grand dog Hildi. We had some quality time together and then spent time with relatives both here in Vermont and also in Massachusetts. There is always so much anticipation and then it seems it’s over so quickly. It also means that this 12th day of Christmas is time to take down my tree and put away the ornaments nice and neatly to be stored in the cellar until next year. I also enjoy having all the outdoor lights lit until about this time each year as well. At least the days are starting to get longer now.
The skiing has been good with all the snow we’ve received so far this winter. Thursday was my third day out on the slopes and my legs are getting in good ski shape. The only way to get your legs in shape for skiing is to ski, I’ve discovered. I did 12 good runs yesterday and my legs and back feel pretty good.
But I try to ski under control and try not to speed; although sometimes I just can’t hold back those 250 pounds speeding downhill.
Speaking of speeding, let’s jump into my material for this week.
The Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
“Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.‘
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and
barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? ‘
‘Only when he’s been drinking!‘
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Take care with the Christmas festivities fellas!
As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk".
I said, “How do you know?”
She said, “You live next door”.
* * * * * * * *
Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President
First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pakistan.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
* * * * * * * *
Cowboy Poetry
Jake, a rancher, went to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
and the clouds rolled gray and dense.
and the clouds rolled gray and dense.
As he pounded the last staples in
and gathered tools to go,
and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen and snow began to blow.
When he finally reached his pickup he felt a heavy heart
From the sound of that ignition,
he knew it wouldn't start.
he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us
would do if we were there.
would do if we were there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
and sent aloft a prayer.
and sent aloft a prayer.
As he turned the key the last time,
He softly cursed his luck
He softly cursed his luck
They found him three days later,
frozen stiff in that old truck.
frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life
and done his share of roaming.
and done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming!
It looked just like Wyoming!
Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter.
His favorite was St. Peter.
So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score --
In Heaven, time is free..
In Heaven, time is free..
'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete ,
'that God will answer prayers,
'that God will answer prayers,
But the one time I asked for help,
well, he just wasn't there.'
well, he just wasn't there.'
'Does God answer prayers of some,
and ignore the prayers of others?
and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers.'
I know all men are brothers.'
'Or does he randomly reply,
without good rhyme or reason?
without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day;
the weather or the season.'
the weather or the season.'
'Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me
What the heck's the deal?!'
What the heck's the deal?!'
Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'
That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
and you sent your prayer a flying,
and you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
with hundreds of us trying.'
with hundreds of us trying.'
'A thousand angels rushed,
to check the status of your file,
to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
from you in quite a while.'
from you in quite a while.'
'And though all prayers are answered,
and God ain't got no quota,
and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
and started a truck in Minnesota'!
and started a truck in Minnesota'!
It’s Best to Keep in Touch!!!
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Classic
The Secret to a Long Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."
* * * * * * * *
You know ... Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.
But, here it is... The “back nine” of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that “I was only on the first hole” and the “back nine” was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the “back nine”, I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth... A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not on the “back nine” yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the “back nine” or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one. LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY ! HAVE A GREAT DAY Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver. LIVE HAPPY IN 2017!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS: ~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect! ~ Going out is good... Coming home is better! ~ You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! ~ You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... Especially golf. ~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. ~ You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep". ~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.. ~ You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"...” ??? ~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. ~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots. ~ Everybody whispers. ~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear. ~
~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.
Happy New Year
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I really can’t add anything to the above; so I’ll just wish you all a Happy 12th Day of Christmas – which happens to be a Friday (and I think Bufana in Italy) and a nice first weekend of the new year 2017!
TGI-Jeff
