Greetings from your Friday guy. It’s hard to concentrate on putting together a Friday message with all the mudslinging going in our presidential political campaign on the Republican Party side. As I try to write this, the latest Republican Debate is now on FOX NEWS TV. I can hardly think over the shouting of the candidates on the stage! I feel sorry for Governor Kasich who has to stand there and listen to Trump and Rubio and Cruz shout insults at each other.
But let me try to present some relevant material.
Can We Trust the Politicians in this Election Campaign?
Here are some quotes from famous persons that would seem to indicate that politics hasn’t changed much over the years, despite hope and change.
They’d be a lot funnier if they weren’t true!
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain:
if they will stop telling lies about us,
I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~
If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington, get a dog.
- Harry Truman -
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Do You Need Directions?
Jim: “Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?”
Andy: “I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS and a GPS Override.”
Jim: “What’s a GPS Override?”
Andy: “My wife.”
* * * * * * * *
How to Grow Big Red Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn’t seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
* * * * * * * *
Stress Management
This is not a joke or funny story but I think it’s a nice piece to share. (TGIF editor)
A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water in her hand while leading and explaining stress management to an audience. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.”
1. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6. If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. Never buy a car you can't push.
9. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12. The second mouse gets the cheese.
13. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
18. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenario on a detour.
19. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
..... and most importantly .....
20. Save the earth ....... It's the only planet with chocolate!
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A man is not old until his regrets take the place of dreams.
A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
To be 70 years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be 40 years old.
Being 70 is no different from being 69. It’s a round number and there is something about roundness that has always appealed.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
I am getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called hunting for my spectacles.
Old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
The elderly don’t drive that badly; they are just the only ones with time to spare to observe the speed limit.
No man is ever old enough to know better.
* * * * * * * *
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
* * * * * * * *
That’s all I’ve got to share with you this week.
It’s been a tough week. Last Friday I learned that my 88 year-old mother-in-law had fallen and broken her hip. Her condition quickly deteriorated and she died on Monday evening with her husband of 67 years and family around her. She had a long and beautiful life in which she put family and friends forefront. She was also a fantastic host of large family and church or community gatherings. She was a lover of music and loved to sing. She never liked it when anyone tried to make a fuss about her, yet she was always extremely proud of her kids and her grandchildren. I cannot possibly encapsulate in a few sentences what she meant to so many people; I just know that she lived a great life and will be remembered fondly by all who knew her. RIP Barbara.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Seeya next Friday.
TGI-Jeff
