Greetings to the TGIF faithful on the first Friday of Febraury. It’s hard to believe it is Febraury here. We had an unusually warm December and with no snow. We had a “brown Christmas” and the first of only a few snowfalls came at the end of December. Then we had a few weeks of “seasonal temperatures” and then a kind of prolonged “January thaw” during the last few weeks. I went skiing on February 1st, where the conditions were more like those of April 1st. No joke! Then on Wednesday of this week we had 8 hours of heavy rain. Thursday was sunny and 45 degrees and seemed like an early Spring day as the little snow or ice that is left on my property continues to melt. I feel bad for the ski areas and the Vermont economy that are suffering as a result of fewer skiers and visitors.
After what seemed like almost a year of potential presidential candidates “throwing their respective hats in the ring”, the official U.S. presidential primary voting season began this past week in Iowa. Of the more than a dozen Republican Party candidates, the “newbie” Donald Trump and the evangelical-conservative Ted Cruz were neck and neck in the pre-caucus polls, while the more mainstream candidates were lagging way behind. On the Democratic Party side, our Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders had closed the huge gap in the poll numbers with Hillary Clinton, who most pundits six months ago thought would have a “cake walk” through the primaries and to the Democratic National Convention in the summer.
Iowa results: For the Republicans, Ted Cruz had a significant victory over Trump, with Marco Rubio a very close third place, way ahead of the other candidates. On the Democratic side, it was too close to call between Hillary and Bernie. At about midnight, it showed 50% for Hillary and 50% for Bernie and 1% for Martin O’Malley. (It was good to see the Iowa democrats got out 101% of the vote.) In fact, it seems more people “caucused” this time in Iowa than ever before.
Based upon poor results a number of candidates have dropped out of the race(s), while the others have quickly moved on to New Hampshire, just next door. I’m getting a little tired of all the media talking heads speculating on what’s ahead and on all the candidates “spin” games. But I did hear someone say that it was the first time that he had heard 4 victory speeches as a result of the Iowa caucuses. True and funny!
A glance into the joke bag sees that some of you favor harking back to the good ole days of the 1950s in the USA.
The following one may only be really appreciated by my American friends who were alive and remember the 1950s in the USA!
DINNER IN THE FIFTIES
This is so, so true!
Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.
Curry was a surname.
A take-away was a mathematical problem.
Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All chips were plain.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tealeaves and never green.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties...was elbows, hats and cell phones!
* * * * * * * *
Here is another one that goes back to possibly the 1950s as well.
Everybody over 60 was home schooled!
Most of our generation was HOME SCHOOLED in so many ways.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
I know that the generations that have come after ours find it hard to believe that the above quotations were the "EXACT" words used by our parents. But true!
* * * * * * * *
Now, after going back to the world in the 1950s, let’s jump forward to the end of 2015.
Civilization at the end of 2015 - this is priceless!!!
Our Phones - Wireless
Cooking - Fireless
Cars - Keyless
Food - Fatless
Tires -Tubeless
Youth - Jobless
Leaders - Shameless
Relationships - Meaningless
Attitudes - Careless
Babies - Fatherless
Feelings - Heartless
Children - Mannerless.
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared - shitless!
* * * * * * * *
Some Dating Advice
A young man called his mother and told her that he had just met the woman of his dreams, but wasn't sure what he should do next. His mother said, “Why don't you send her flowers and a card inviting her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” The young man thought this was a great strategy.
The day after the big date, his mother called to see how things had gone. “The evening was a disaster,” the young man moaned.
“Why, didn't she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook!”
* * * * * * * *
Here is a list of the most outrageous excuses heard from employees arriving late for work:
1. I thought of quitting today, but then decided not to, so I came in late.
2. My hair caught on fire from my blow dryer.
3. I was detained by Homeland Security.
4. I had to chase my cows back into the field.
5. A black bear entered my carport and decided to take a nap on the hood of my car.
6. My lizard had to have emergency surgery in the morning and died during surgery.
7. I had to mourn while deciding whether to have the lizard disposed of by the vet or bring the lizard corpse with me to work.
8. There was fresh powder on the hill. I had to go skiing.
9. There was a store grand opening and I wanted to get the opening day sales.
10. I had to finish watching “My Name Is Earl.”
11. All of my clothes were stolen.
12. I was confused by the time change and unsure if it was “spring forward” or “fall back.”
13. A Vaseline truck overturned on the highway and cars were slipping left and right.
* * * * * * * *
TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
I have a couple of oldies to share with you this week.
CORPORATE SHAKE-UP
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!
thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"
week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back
in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about
himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes”.
* * * * * * * *
The Gay Cowboy...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For several weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
* * * * * * * *
That is an old one, I know. The first time I heard a version of that one was back in the early 1970s when Joe Namath told a version of it.
Well, that’s it for this week. It’s that time where I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. And enjoy the Super Bowl party on Sunday! It’s the 50th Super Bowl game and I can remember watching the first one as if it were only a few years ago! Time flies!
Until next Friday, take care and don’t forget about your TGIF editor if you see or receive a good joke you haven’t seen here!
TGI-Jeff
