Greetings from you Friday jokes guy! Did you forget about me? I don’t think so. Those of you I see in person keep complaining that they haven’t seen my jokes messages in a LONG time and friends afar wonder if I’m not well or been put into solitary confinement (and not the TGIF dungeon!). I can assure you that I am indeed well and have been enjoying life with Dianne and our kids and grandkids, as well as all the other excuses, like playing golf, ping pong, bridge, tennis and going for an occasional walk.
However, I see from my TGIF word document that the last one I issued was at the end of June. I wished you all a nice summer and to take care until the next time. Well, 6 months later, here is the “next time”!
We hosted Dianne’s family for Thanksgiving, and it was great. Her son-in-law cooked the turkey and brought it along with gravy and a big can of cranberry sauce. Dianne prepared the stuffing and other side dishes (mashed potatoes, beans, onions, etc.) as well as baked two pies (apple and cherry) and one of her granddaughters baked a delicious pumpkin pie. Others brought wine and appetizers and so forth. A good time was had by all, including the two dogs who met for the first time and thankfully managed to play pretty well with each other.
Now we’re looking forward to hosting my kids and spouses (and my grandson Logan) for the week around Christmas. In fact, for those of you who usually receive a Christmas card/letter from me/us, it will likely be delayed until after the holidays and will contain new family photos with all of us. My kids begged me to have snow on the ground for Christmas, and it might happen as we’ve had two snowfalls in the last week. The ski areas have received quite a bit of it in the last week and most have opened by now. I’ll not likely go for another week or so. But look forward to it.
Let’s see if, during the last 6 months, you’ve sent me any good material to use today. Otherwise, this might be a very short edition. (I will note that Deb has not reduced the number of her good submissions. So, once again, we have Deb to thank!)
Getting Into Heaven
This guy goes to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter looks in his Book of Life and tells the guy “I don’t see where you did anything bad in your life…but the problem is I don’t see where you did anything good in your life either? In fact, there’s nothing about you at all in the book.”
The guy says…”I did good things! In fact, a young girl was being hassled by this Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang and I ran in and told them if they didn’t quit it, I was going to kick all their asses!!
“Wow”…said St. Peter. “When did that happen?”
“About 5 minutes ago” said the guy!
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What To Do On This First Date
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
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Patient : "Doctor I keep hearing "The green, green grass of home" in my head. Doctor : "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome"
Patient : "Is it common ?"
Doctor : "It's not unusual
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog !
Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? A: You should never press your luck!
Q; What's ET short for? A: Because he's got little legs.
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A: A nervous wreck.
Q - What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A - Nothing, it just gave a little wine.
A three legged dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West, the barman asks him what he wants.
The dog replies "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw”
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, the barman asks," Is this a joke?”
A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says, "Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years.”
Three American Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. One is lying on a buffalo skin; one is lying on a moose skin; and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. The first woman gives birth to a boy. The second gives birth to a girl. And the third gives birth to a boy and a girl. And this proves . . . the squaw of the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides!
Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."
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Better Have Proof!
An elderly woman went to buy some cat food. She picked up three cans, but the cashier stopped her and said, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof that you own a cat. Unfortunately, some seniors have been buying cat food to eat themselves, and management requires proof that you're purchasing it for your pet."
Determined, the woman went home, fetched her cat, and returned to the store. With her cat in tow, she was able to purchase the food.
The following day, she came back to buy two cans of dog food. Once again, the cashier insisted on proof that she had a dog. So, the woman went home, brought in her dog, and successfully bought the dog food.
A day later, the woman returned with a small box that had a hole in the lid. She handed it to the cashier and said, "Would you please put your finger in the hole?"
The cashier hesitated and replied, "No way, there might be a snake in there!"
The woman reassured her, "There's nothing in there that could hurt you, I promise."
Reluctantly, the cashier put her finger into the hole, then quickly pulled it out, exclaiming, "That smells awful!"
With a grin, the elderly woman responded, "Exactly. Now, may I please buy two rolls of toilet paper?"
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Birth Defect
A baby was born without eyelids. The doctors grew concerned but decided that they could use the skin from his circumcision to create new eyelids. The surgery went well. He’s just a little cock-eyed, is all!
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Olympic Medal Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms. Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife. "Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them Olympic, exactly?" "Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile. "Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly. "Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?" "Why silver?" asks the husband. "Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."
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What is a Tragedy?
A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer. "What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Food for Thought
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink
excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you!
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I guess that is it for this first issue in a LONG TIME!
Hopefully it won’t be too long until the next one! Meanwhile, I’m trying to get my Christmas lights up outside.
Dianne has been doing a lot of weaving of her beautiful scarves and will be selling them at the Gallery at the VAULT this Saturday (tomorrow).
Looking forward to the holidays and more snow!
Until the “next time”! Take care.
TGI-Jeff
