Greetings from you occasional Friday guy! I know, it’s been a while since my last issue. But, at least, I hope Debba can enjoy this one as it has contributions from others than just her.
Let me update you all (whether you are interested or not) on some family news. We hosted Jon, Melissa and Logan last weekend here in Vermont. We went to a sugar house to observe the whole process and went to the park with all the kids equipment (slides, etc.). He’s such a cute kid and so smart! (Hey, I’m his grandpa!) It’s so much fun spending time with them.
I will be going out to Colorado to help my older brother, Nate, celebrate his 80th birthday in a few weeks. We will be skiing in Winter Park for 3 days and then go back to Estes Park where Karen is throwing a party for him on the weekend. I have been skiing at my local area about once per week since the beginning of January. I went today (Thursday) and skied hard for 3 hours, doing 12 runs and 15,000 feet of vertical. It was getting a bit slushy by noon and I thought it best to quit while I was ahead and still upright. I think I’m in shape now to ski those 3 days with Nate at Winter Park.
I hear that there is going to be a partial solar eclipse here on early Saturday morning. That also means that the month of Ramadan is nearly over. Not living in a Muslim country, I am not aware of that calendar. But Eid-al-Fitr is on the 31st it seems. So, I wish my Muslim friends, “Eid Mubarak!”.
Today, Thursday. is also Opening Day for Major League Baseball in America. The official opening games took place in Japan earlier in the week. I just got through watching my Boston Red Sox win their first game in Texas today. They seem to have a good team this year.
Today is also the first day of the Sweet Sixteen in the college men’s NCAA March Madness tourney. There are 4 games tonight and another 4 tomorrow night. My UCONN men’s team lost a close one to #1 seed Florida last weekend and are out. But the UCONN women are still in it and have a good opportunity to make it to the final four and win it all. I’m all in on them. I think Duke will win the men’s bracket. In the NBA, my Boston Celtics (last season’s champs) are still really good and should go far in the playoffs. My. Bruins are not likely to make the hockey playoffs this time.
So, let’s see what I have to offer this week to help raise your spirits at the end of the week! Thank God It’s Friday!
Random Thoughts
Still trying to get my head around the fact that 'Take Out' can mean food, dating, or murder.
The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen.'
If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.
When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
It's weird being the same age as old people.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."
Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ...... Metamucil and Ensure.
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it doesn't listen to anything.
I just got a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad,' and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what's inside.
Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly...next week...Turn Signals.
The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.
* * * * * * * *
Here’s a list of strenuous activities that does not require much physical effort.....
01) Beating around the bush...
02) Jumping to conclusions...
03) Climbing up the wall...
04) Swallowing your pride...
05) Passing the buck...
06) Throwing your weight around...
07) Dragging your heels...
08) Pushing your luck...
09) Making mountains out of molehills...
10) Hitting the nail on the head...
11) Wading through paperwork...
12) Bending over backwards...
13) Jumping on the bandwagon...
14) Balancing the books...
15) Running around in circles...
16) Eating crow...
17) Blowing your own horn...
18) Climbing the ladder of success...
19) Pulling out all the stops...
20) Adding fuel to the fire...
21) Opening a can of worms...
22) Putting your foot in your mouth...
23) Setting the ball rolling...
24) Going over the edge...
25) Picking up the pieces...
Whew! That is some workout! Now sit down and...
26) Exercise caution...!
I remember that once, as a young man, I told my mother that she should get other exercises – other than jumping to conclusions!
* * * * * * * *
Those of you who have known me for a long time, even going back to high school, know that I have always enjoyed puns and used to have some fun making some of my own. Here are some, some old and some new.
Some Fun Puns
I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humorous.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" He replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.”
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.
Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of Herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
* * * * * * * *
Ralph came in to police chief: “I think my wife is trying to poison me.”
“Let me investigate”
A week later the chief called: “Ralph, I called your wife and she talked for 2-1/2 hours. The next day, she came to the station and sat with me for 4 hours. My advice: take the poison.”
* * * * * * * *
Mildred and Stan celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and a reporter asked how they had lasted through 60 years of marriage?
Mildred replied: it goes back to our days at Grinnell College. Stan majored in public speaking and I majored in theatre. So, throughout our marriage, Stan has spoken loquaciously on various topics and I've acted like I am listening.
* * * * * * * *
Too Much Alike
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?”
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
* * * * * * * *
You Were Drunk Again Last Night!
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?”
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" He asked, surprised.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?”
"What is it you wish of me, my child?”
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
"With your honest face, father, no one will question you.”
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?”
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
* * * * * * * *
Sometimes it pays to be honest! It’s the best policy!
How I managed to get through this without any disparaging remarks about our country’s current status, I don’t know. Well, maybe the humor above will help those of you who are down and discouraged get through another week. Hope so.
I end by wishing you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Until the next time.
TGI-Jeff
