Greetings from your Friday guy! It seems that the last one that I sent was from the end of March. Well, a lot has happened in my life since then. So, let me try to do a recap. It wasn’t the best of skiing seasons and I think I only got out on the slopes about a dozen times at most. For some reason, I was really looking forward to Spring this year. Sometimes in Vermont our Spring lasts only a few weeks as Winter hangs on so long and then, after a short Spring, Summer arrives! Indeed, we have had some hot summer days in this week. I managed to do a lot of yard work and have enjoyed a few fires in my fire pit, burning a lot of branches that came down over the winter.
I always dread our Vermont “Mud Season”, and so I like to get away at that time. This year, my kids and I planned to go to San Diego for about a week at the end of April and that was great! Phil and Kailey hosted us in Oceanside. Joya and Chris booked us an airBnb on their street and that was great. Jon and Melissa and 14-month-old Logan, Chris and Joya and I shared that AirBnB, just up the hill from Phil and Kailey’s place. We had a great time! Joya and Chris were in the U.S. for 3 weeks, from their home in Cape Town, to get long-term visas for South Africa. Jon and Melissa and Logan flew out there from NYC and we loved spending time with Logan. Such a cute kid!
He seems to know who his “Grandpa” is and this just tickles me pink!
Dianne doesn’t like airplanes and so she stayed here. She and I have spent time with her son’s family in Norwalk, CT and her daughter’s family in Wallingford, VT, in April and May. Dianne has 3 grandkids and I do love spending time with them as well,
Golfing season has begun and I have been out 5 or 6 times so far. The weather has been good and I enjoy playing in our Tuesday morning senior men’s quota league. We have about 30 seniors showing up every day and it’s fun playing with different guys each week.
Okay, let’s see what I have to share with you this week!
Urgent Parking
A man gets back home in his car with a very urgent need to visit the toilet. But he couldn’t find any place to park, so he started praying intensely: “God, do something for a place to be evacuated so that I can park … Please! It’s very urgent! If you do that, I will then do whatever you ask me to!”
After a few seconds, someone unparked, leaving a vacant place. The man said: “It’s OK God. Never mind. I found one.”
* * * * * * * * *
Paying Your Bills On Time.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?""No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
* * * * * * * *
Snakebite
Two men are hiking in the woods when suddenly one curses, stumbles and falls. He has been bitten in the groin by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the venom and spit it on the ground.”
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say???” the injured man cries to him.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
* * * * * * * *
Older Women
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
* * * * * * * *
Time to Paint the Church
A crew of volunteers comes together to build a new church using donated materials. They work hard and soon have the structure completed. Now it’s time to paint the church. They look at the paint that’s been donated and realize they don’t have enough to cover the entire building.
One man says, “We have lots of paint thinner. Why don’t we thin the paint so it will go farther?”
So that’s what they do. They’re almost finished covering the walls of the church when a big black cloud gathers above them. Boom! Crack! Lightning flashes and thunder rolls and rain falls in a torrent until it washes all the paint off the church.
Then out of the cloud a deep voice thunders, “Repaint and never thin again!”
* * * * * * * *
How to Get the Poodle
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”
“Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a
smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine!
* * * * * * * *
Perfect Date
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible.
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
* * * * * * * *
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
* * * * * * * *
Those last two could be considered as TGIF Golden Classics.
I guess it’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!
Thanks to all who served!
TGI-Jeff
