Greetings on this end of the week when we are expecting a cold polar vortex to enter the area in the next days, to be followed by a major snowstorm on Sunday/Monday. We Vermonters are used to this, but it’s not nice when we need to travel.
I guess it’s been since early December since I managed to get one of these out. I don’t get paid enough to do this! But it’s fun when I do find the time and it helps me keep in touch with many friends.
Many of you seem to have forgotten that you need to pay your “dues” by contributing some good jokes that might come across your screens, so that I can continue to do this. Thanks to Debba and a few others, I can barely manage to put one of these out every now and then.
I have managed to get out on the ski slopes 4 or 5 times so far this month. It’s been pretty good, although the really cold weather does discourage me. Plus, at my age, just putting on and taking off my ski boots becomes the hardest part!
Let’s see what we have today to share!
Other Lesser Know Knights of the Round Table
Lesser known knights of the Round Table:
1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
2. The knight no one believed: Sir Real
3. The knight nicknamed "the ball": Sir Round
4. The knight who always looked around: Sir Cumference
5. The knight who doubled as a spy: Sir Veillance
6. The knight who couldn't be killed: Sir Vivor
7. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed
8. The knight who always showed up expectantly: Sir Prize
9. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
10. The knight who funded his company: Sir Charge
11. The knight who made maps: Sir Veyor
12. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
13. The knight who stood in for the king: Sir Rogate
14. The knight who appeared superior: Sir Perb
15. The knight who was hard to get through to: Sir Amic
16. The knight who always appeared with 3 rings: Sir Cus
17. The knight who always appeared sad: Sir Rowful
18. The knight who was never needed: Sir Perflous
19. The knight who liked to dance: Sir Prance Alot
20. The knight who has bad skin: Sir Ry Asiss
21. The knight whose was always called last: Sir Name
22. The knight who was always guessing: Sir Mise
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Two Irish Women
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I !!
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again!'
* * * * * * * *
Watergate
A man died and went to Hell. Satan gave him the usual tour of torture rooms. In one room, he saw the entire Watergate gang: Howard Hunt, Gordon Liddy, John Ehrlichman, Bob Haldeman, John Mitchell, Donald Segretti, etc - and they were all up to their necks in foul-smelling sewage. Except John Dean who was off to one side and only up to his waist. “How come Dean is getting special treatment?”, the man asked Satan. “He’s not!”, said Satan. “They all take turns standing on Nixon’s shoulders.”
* * * * * * * *
Getting Older May Not Be So Bad
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older (but refuse to grow up) here’s what I’ve discovered…
ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE – I finally got my head together now my body is falling apart.
FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
FIVE – All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT – Some days you are the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE – I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
TEN – Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN – Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE – It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN – The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
SEVENTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
* * * * * * * *
Getting Older
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. “
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
* * * * * * * *
Stay Healthy
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "Hey Morris, saw you the other day. You seem to be doing great." Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor sighed: "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful!"
* * * * * * * *
Who Gets to the Wire Brush First?
A rough old general has heard about a unit with the toughest soldiers around and decides to visit them. After reviewing the troops on parade, he visits the medical tent to meet the soldiers. The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?”
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!”
"And how are you treating that?”
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!”
"And what's your goal in life?”
"To kill the enemy Sir!”
Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?”
"Genital warts, Sir!”
"And how are you treating it?”
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!”
"And what's your goal in life?”
"To kill the enemy, Sir!”
Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier. "And why are you here?”
"Gum disease, Sir!”
"And how are you treating it?”
"Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!”
"And what's your goal in life?”
"To beat these other two to the wire brush, Sir!"
* * * * * * * *
VW Beetles Rock!
A rich man just got his brand new Jaguar, equipped with everything. He was whistling to himself, enjoying the ride, when he encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change. While he was waiting, a tiny Beetle also drives up. The rich guy looked at the little car and couldn't help himself, he had to brag. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this…"
At this point the Beetle owner interrupted. "That's nice, but do you have a hair blower in there?”
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The rich man in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the car. A few days passed, and the rich man was looking for that Beetle, until he finally found it in another light. He got out of his car and quickly knocked on the other's window.
"Yea?" Said the other man impatiently.
"I got that hair blower too, now." said the rich man proudly.
"Nice," the other man said, "but do you have THIS?" and he shows the rich guy a tiny microwave oven built into the dashboard.
"N... no. I have to say I don't.”
"Well, talk to me when you have a REAL car, then!" and with that, the Beetle takes off. The rich man goes back to the dealership and this time has a special microwave AND an oven put into his car. Once again the Jaguar was at a traffic light when the man spotted the Beetle. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the car. After a few moments, the beetle owner poked his head out.
"I installed an oven." said the rich man proudly.
"Ugh,' the mini-man responded. "you got me out of the shower for THIS?"
* * * * * * * *
A Big Snowstorm is Expected!
It’s true. We are expecting a big snowstorm in a few days. Now we have the polar vortex coming down here. We have to get ready.
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said: “We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”
Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car. Next week, same scenario - radio says: “10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”
Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.
Week three: They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…” And POOF - the power goes out!
The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”
With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
That’s a sweet story. But in reality, I know that Dianne would not have come to live with me here – except that I offered her a warm garage to park her car in to avoid all that snow we get!
* * * * * * * *
Just time left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
And a happy birthday to sister-in-law Martha!
Until the next time, stay well.
TGI-Jeff
