Greetings from the TGIF guy that you haven’t heard from in more than 7 weeks. Retirement suits me fine, thank you!
Winter is here (although I realize – not officially) and we have had a couple of big snow storms in the last few weeks. A total of about a foot of snow. Plus, the temperatures have really dropped and are staying there. About 10 days ago, I realized that I needed to put up my Christmas lights outside. I froze my butt off trying to do that and when I came back into the house to warm up. I asked Dianne to remind me next year to do that just after Halloween, when it’s a lot warmer. I don’t have to turn them on then, but just have them up, so that I don’t risk again getting frostbite!
At this time of year, I really love to see the first snowfalls when it is so quiet out and so peaceful. It always reminds me of that story that I have used many times before in one of my TGIF messages, about the guy who has moved to Vermont in retirement and is so taken by the first snowfall and is just in heaven. Then, as more and more snow falls over the next weeks and months, and he has to shovel it and fight off the snowplows who push snow on his just-cleared driveway and his roof collapses from the weight of the snow, etc. etc. He finally is about to commit suicide. I’d love to share that one with you, but I can’t find it in all my TGIF stuff. If anyone has it, please forward it to me and I’ll share it with everyone.
And that reminds me of one of my favorite Vermont jokes about the guy who lived in southern Vermont on the Massachusetts border. One day he was approached on his farm by some surveyors from Massachusetts. They did their work and came to him on his farmhouse report to explain that there had been a mistake made many years ago about the exact location of his farm. It turns out that 90% of his land was NOT in Vermont, but instead, in Massachusetts. The old Vermont farmer thought about this for a moment and then concluded that he was very happy to hear this as he didn’t think he could endure another long and cold Vermont winter!
Dianne and I have enjoyed spending time with our grandkids and the infrequent occasions that we have managed over the last few months. We went down to Norwalk, CT at the end of October to stay with her son Jeretts’ family and got to see their daughter, Maddy, play in a junior high girls’ volleyball game. She’s very good and they won. The next day, my son, Jonathan, and his son, Logan, drove up there from NYC and we all went to the Norwalk Maritime Museum, which was great fun. More recently, we’ve spent time with her daughter’s family (including Thanksgiving) and a few days ago, we took Leigh and Lucas to select a Christmas tree and cut it down and bring it home. We also joined the two of them at their school’s “grandparents’ Thanksgiving lunch at their school, which has become an annual tradition for us. We so enjoy spending time with our “combined” four grandkids. They are now 13, 12, 7 and almost 3. They will be joined by at least one more early next year. (Insh’allah!)
So, Debba will be happy that a few others have also contributed some material to make this issue possible. Let’s go!
Those of you who are old enough will remember the first music recorded was on reel-to-reel tape and after that, it was put on records, 78s, then 33s and 45s. After that, we had a period of cassette tapes. So, what came after those?
Cassette tapes had a side A and a side B.
So, it’s only logical that their successor would be the CD!
So there!!!
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Some Good Quotes
The most lucrative trade would be to buy people for what they're worth and sell them for what they believe to be worth - Véra de Bénardaky de Talleyrand Périgord.
Some engagements end happily , others with marriage - Robert Lembke.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason - Mark Twain.
In love, you have to be ruthless , have respect for no one, if necessary even sleep with your wife - Ennio Flaiano.
The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money - Margaret Thatcher.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow.
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Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandma one day. While she played with her dolls, Grandma was dusting the furniture.
At one point, the little girl looked up and asked:
“Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma smiled and said:
“Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I sit in my room and watch it all day. The TV evangelists keep me company and lift my spirits. The comedies make me laugh. I’m perfectly happy with my TV, it's my boyfriend.”
Just then, the picture went fuzzy. Grandma began adjusting the knobs and thumping the back of the TV in frustration, trying to fix it.
At that moment, the doorbell rang. The little girl ran to answer it.
Standing there was Grandma’s minister.
“Hello, young lady. Is your grandma home?”
The little girl replied:
“Yeah, she’s upstairs in her bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.
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A man is in the stall in the bathroom and realizes, too late, that there is no toilet paper.
He raps on the wall and asks his neighbor if he has any TP. “Nope”
He raps again; “how about a newspaper? “ “Nope”
“How about 2 fives for a ten?”
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Did you hear the lament of the pregnant showgirl? “I should have danced all night…”
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Driving You Nuts!
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four.”
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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Smokin’ Weed
By the river, next to a farm, there sits the "black cow" of the herd, smoking weed.
A beaver swims up to her and asks: ‘Hey, cow, what are you doing?’ ‘I’m smoking weed.’ said the cow. ‘Give me some; I’ve never smoked before…’ exclaimed the beaver.
The cow relinquished the joint, the beaver inhaled the smoke and immediately exhaled it.
The cow cries, ‘No no, not like that! Look: you need to inhale the smoke and hold it in your lungs for a long time. Swim downstream for a bit, come back here, and then exhale. And I’m telling you, you'll really enjoy it.’
The beaver did as he was told. The beaver inhaled, swam underwater to the other side of the river, and after a few moments, felt quite bizarre. He came ashore, flopped down on the grass, and slumped.
A hippo approached him and asked, ‘Hey, beaver, what are you doing?’
‘Ah, see, hippo, I’m super high…’
‘Give me some stuff; I want some too,’ said the bored hippo excitedly.
‘Swim across to the other side to the cow - she will share some with you.’
The hippo swam upstream and came ashore, and as he approached the now-napping cow, she popped her eyes open and screamed: ‘Beaver, for goodness sake, LET SOME AIR OUT!’
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Scotch With Just Two Drops of Water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "
The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. "
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, " I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. "
" Coming up, " says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. "
The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. "
" Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "
The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "
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When Do You Know That You Are OLD?
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes
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Hard Work!
A woman visits her husband in prison. They have a long talk, and then the guard tells them their time is over.
The woman gets up to leave, but before she reaches the door, she turns to the correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work so hard, he's exhausted!”
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, all he does is eat, sleep, and sit in his cell. He doesn't even go outside in the yard!”
"Don't you lie to me!" said the wife hotly, "He just told me he's been digging a tunnel every day for months!"
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Perfect Timing
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
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I don’t know if or when I will issue another one of these before the end of year holidays, so I will take this opportunity to wish you all very happy holidays and a very happy new year 2026!
TGI-Jeff
