Greetings from your Friday guy in mid-January, about a month after my last issue. I take this opportunity to wish you all a happy and healthy new year 2025! It’s Friday, the last day of the work week and I assume some of you are really happy about that, and look forward to the weekend. For me, every day is a weekend. Although I do have a hard time remembering what day of the week it is. Sorry. The Brits refer to Friday as POETS Day. Why? Because they say; “Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday!”.
The Taft-Dick and Yelton families had very nice end of year gatherings here in Vermont. My clan was all here from the 21st to the 27th (Dec.) and with a white Christmas in Vermont, we made snowmen (with little Logan) and went sliding on our back hill. Over New Years we gathered with Dianne’s family at our condo in Manchester and celebrated Christmas then with her 3 grandchildren and each family’s dog.
However, we were so busy having fun family time together that we forgot to take photos. Oh well, although we don’t have visual proof, we did all have a great time together.
It’s been pretty cold so far in January and we have not had much snow. But, since it’s been cold the ski areas have been able to make snow. I finally started my season of skiing last week by doing just 6 or 7 runs on two days of the week, in order to get my legs in shape and not suffer too much. I went again on Tuesday this week and conditions were great. I did 12 runs and maybe overdid it as I had leg cramps during that night. I hope to go skiing again today. If you live in Vermont in the winter, you need to do something like skiing or snowshoeing or skating.
I see from today’s jokes that I have several new ones and a few golden oldies. Enjoy!
Giving Bad News
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"
* * * * * * * *
Some Truisms
So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren't. That must be frustrating.
The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start the day.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen'.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when....the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and...the turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall-down at once from a vending machine.
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot. (Yeah, irks me too!)
When a kid says "Daddy, I want Mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".
It's weird being the same age as old people.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "CLOSE ENOUGH".
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ...... Metamucil and Ensure.
You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
For those of you who don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version...it doesn't listen to anything.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
Apparently, exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this
morning and decided I’m never going again.
* * * * * * * *
The Company’s Efficiency Expert
The CEO of a company fell ill on a day when he had tickets to see a concert. As a gesture of kindness, he gave the tickets to the company's efficiency expert, to enjoy with his wife.
The next morning, the CEO was surprised to find a report on his table, written by the efficiency expert, and this is what it said:
"Dear Sir, I was sent, by you, to the concert, the main piece of the evening being Schubert's unfinished symphony, although personally I think unfinished work should be disqualified. I have watched the performance and here are some, but not all, of the malfunctions I found:
1. The most obvious problem was that they had 22 violinists play the exact same tune! Such reckless waste! I believe that at least 21 of them should be fired.
2. The drummer was doing nothing for long stretches of time. I would suggest he be put on a different clock, so we can keep an eye on him and only pay him when he actually does any work.
3. Many of the musical segments kept repeating themselves, and I fail to understand the point of having the flutes play the same segment as the oboes. If we can cut down on these repetitions, we can finish the symphony in 20 minutes instead of 2 hours.
4. Regarding the equipment: I've noticed a horrible lack of stardanization when it comes to musical instruments, and especially when it comes to string instruments, I've seen small ones, big ones, one you hold under your chin and some you hold between your legs. I think that one size for all these instruments will save time, money and confusion, as well as make maintenance easier.
5. The conductor, the most senior employee, did not play as much as a single tune the entire concert, and showed a lack of respect to the customers, while standing with his back (his back!) to the audience. There were even a few times he was threatening his staff with a stick, which should never be allowed. I would suspend him with no pay until we can get to the bottom of this. Psychological councling may be advised.
To summarize: I am quite sure that if Mr. Schubert had avoided these issues, he would have managed to finish his work, instead of leaving us with an unfinished symphony! Kind Regards, Barry, Efficiency Expert"
* * * * * * * *
Get It Right!!!
A doctor is going around the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the man is lying in bad condition, worse than when he came in.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor suspiciously.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”
At the next bed, the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately, at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, taken aback, "did you prick his boil?!?"
* * * * * * * *
Viagra
It was early morning and an old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?”
He said, "I'm going to the doctor.”
And she said, "Why, are you sick?”
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?”
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too.”
"Why?”
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again then I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"
* * * * * * * *
Morty and Saul
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well.”
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”
Saul was shocked. "Well this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
* * * * * * * *
This next one is an old one, but one of my favorites:
Time Clock
Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
"They usually saluted and said:
"Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?"
* * * * * * * *
It’s now time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
Never Ask a Gramma
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge brought down the gavel and directed. both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.’
* * * * * * * *
Time to wish you all “au revoir” and a fantastic Friday and wonderful weekend!
Until the next time!
TGI-Jeff
