TGIF - 13 December 2024

  

 

Greetings to all you TGIF faithful for a second week in a row! Hooray! And TGIF! It is Friday the 13th and that is ominous for many. So, be careful and try to avoid any trouble.

 

When I hastily put together a TGIF message I often skim the jokes I select and if I like them, I cut and paste them onto a Word document. When finalized, I copy and paste that particular issue

 


I am compelled to report that the correspondent who sent the Buddhist-buying-a-hot dog joke omitted the second part, namely:  "When the Buddhist receives his hot dog, he hands the vendor a dollar for the 75 cent dog, and the vendor pockets the bill.  The Buddhist says 'where's my change?' and the vendor replies 'Change comes from within'."

 

That input came from an old friend and TGIF member. Much appreciated!

 

It’s been cold here lately and gets dark late afternoon. I finally got my outdoor Christmas lights up. I don’t know why I always wait til there is snow on the ground and the temperatures are below freezing before I start that job. Each year I swear I will begin after Halloween and yet, every year it’s not til early December until I do.

 

Last night Dianne and I watched my favorite college basketball team, the University of Connecticut women’s team, lose to Notre Dame. Every time UCONN made a run at closing the gap, the ND sharpshooters would hit a few 3s to pull ahead.  That is their first loss this season. I also enjoy watching the UCONN men’s team, who have won the national NCAA title in each of the last 2 seasons. They are challenged to repeat again this year, but it’s not impossible.

 

Also, this evening the University of Vermont’s men’s soccer team plays Denver (DU) in the Division 1 semi-finals. We’ll be watching and cheering for UVM. My brother Nate will be rooting for DU!

 

Let’s dive into the jokes bag and see what it yields today.

 

 

Yep – He’s Right!

 

George came home from university in tears. "Mom, am I adopted?” 

 

"No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?” 

 

George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. 

 

"Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son.” 

 

"Well, obviously!" he replied. 

 

"What do you mean?" she asked. 

 

"It was your idea in the first place," her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.  I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."

 

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Doing Business

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. 

 

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” 

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” 

 

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700.” 

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” 

 

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” 

 

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

 

See? – It Works!

 

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. 

 

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. 

 

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 80 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!” 

 

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

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Being 8 Again!

 

A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. 

 

“I’d like to be 8 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror. 

 

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. 

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. 

 

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?” 

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!"

 

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Marriage

 

A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles. He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.’ 

 

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?’ 

 

Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.’ 

 

The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?’ 

 

Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.’ 

 

The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself... "I'LL ALTER HIM."

 

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Surgeon’s Gloves

 

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” 

 

She said, "No?” 

 

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again.” 

 

And she didn't laugh a bit! 

 

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. 

 

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."

 

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Why You Should Not Use Drugs!

 

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail.” 

 

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?” 

 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” 

 

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? “ 

 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.” 

 

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?” 

 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” 

 

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?” 

 

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"

 

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Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday (but be careful today – the 13th) and a wonderful weekend.

 

TGI-Jeff


TGIF - 06 December 2024

  

Greetings from you Friday jokes guy! Did you forget about me? I don’t think so. Those of you I see in person keep complaining that they haven’t seen my jokes messages in a LONG time and friends afar wonder if I’m not well or been put into solitary confinement (and not the TGIF dungeon!). I can assure you that I am indeed well and have been enjoying life with Dianne and our kids and grandkids, as well as all the other excuses, like playing golf, ping pong, bridge, tennis and going for an occasional walk. 

 

However, I see from my TGIF word document that the last one I issued was at the end of June. I wished you all a nice summer and to take care until the next time. Well, 6 months later, here is the “next time”!

 

We hosted Dianne’s family for Thanksgiving, and it was great. Her son-in-law cooked the turkey and brought it along with gravy and a big can of cranberry sauce. Dianne prepared the stuffing and other side dishes (mashed potatoes, beans, onions, etc.) as well as baked two pies (apple and cherry) and one of her granddaughters baked a delicious pumpkin pie. Others brought wine and appetizers and so forth. A good time was had by all, including the two dogs who met for the first time and thankfully managed to play pretty well with each other.

 

Now we’re looking forward to hosting my kids and spouses (and my grandson Logan) for the week around Christmas. In fact, for those of you who usually receive a Christmas card/letter from me/us, it will likely be delayed until after the holidays and will contain new family photos with all of us. My kids begged me to have snow on the ground for Christmas, and it might happen as we’ve had two snowfalls in the last week. The ski areas have received quite a bit of it in the last week and most have opened by now. I’ll not likely go for another week or so. But look forward to it.

 

Let’s see if, during the last 6 months, you’ve sent me any good material to use today. Otherwise, this might be a very short edition. (I will note that Deb has not reduced the number of her good submissions. So, once again, we have Deb to thank!)

 

Getting Into Heaven

 

This guy goes to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter looks in his Book of Life and tells the guy “I don’t see where you did anything bad in your life…but the problem is I don’t see where you did anything good in your life either? In fact, there’s nothing about you at all in the book.”

The guy says…”I did good things! In fact, a young girl was being hassled by this Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang and I ran in and told them if they didn’t quit it, I was going to kick all their asses!!

“Wow”…said St. Peter. “When did that happen?”

“About 5 minutes ago” said the guy!

 

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What To Do On This First Date

 

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. 

 

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. 

 

"That's cool," says Bobby. 

 

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. 

 

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” 

 

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. 

 

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!” 

 

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. 

 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

 

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Patient : "Doctor I keep hearing "The green, green grass of home" in my head. Doctor : "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome"
Patient : "Is it common ?"
Doctor : "It's not unusual

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog !

Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? A: You should never press your luck!

Q;  What's ET short for?  A:  Because he's got little legs.

Q:  What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A:  A nervous wreck.

Q - What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A - Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

A three legged dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West, the barman asks him what he wants.
The dog replies "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw”

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything.”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, the barman asks," Is this a joke?”

A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says, "Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years.”

Three American Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. One is lying on a buffalo skin; one is lying on a moose skin; and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. The first woman gives birth to a boy. The second gives birth to a girl. And the third gives birth to a boy and a girl. And this proves . . . the squaw of the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides!

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

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Better Have Proof!

 

An elderly woman went to buy some cat food. She picked up three cans, but the cashier stopped her and said, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof that you own a cat. Unfortunately, some seniors have been buying cat food to eat themselves, and management requires proof that you're purchasing it for your pet."

Determined, the woman went home, fetched her cat, and returned to the store. With her cat in tow, she was able to purchase the food.

The following day, she came back to buy two cans of dog food. Once again, the cashier insisted on proof that she had a dog. So, the woman went home, brought in her dog, and successfully bought the dog food.

A day later, the woman returned with a small box that had a hole in the lid. She handed it to the cashier and said, "Would you please put your finger in the hole?"

The cashier hesitated and replied, "No way, there might be a snake in there!"

The woman reassured her, "There's nothing in there that could hurt you, I promise."

Reluctantly, the cashier put her finger into the hole, then quickly pulled it out, exclaiming, "That smells awful!"

With a grin, the elderly woman responded, "Exactly. Now, may I please buy two rolls of toilet paper?"

 

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Birth Defect

 

A baby was born without eyelids.  The doctors grew concerned but decided that they could use the skin from his circumcision to create new eyelids.  The surgery went well.  He’s just a little cock-eyed, is all!

 

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Olympic Medal Condoms

 

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms. Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife. "Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them Olympic, exactly?" "Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile. "Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly. "Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?" "Why silver?" asks the husband. "Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."

 

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What is a Tragedy?

 

A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." 

 

One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy." 

 

"No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." 

 

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy." 

 

"I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer. "What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" 

 

Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." 

 

"Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" 

 

"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

 

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

 

Food for Thought

 

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans.  The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.  The Italians drink
excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you!

 

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I guess that is it for this first issue in a LONG TIME!  

 

Hopefully it won’t be too long until the next one! Meanwhile, I’m trying to get my Christmas lights up outside.

 

Dianne has been doing a lot of weaving of her beautiful scarves and will be selling them at the Gallery at the VAULT this Saturday (tomorrow).

 

Looking forward to the holidays and more snow!

 

Until the “next time”! Take care.

 

TGI-Jeff