Greetings from the Friday guy. It’s the end of the first week of November. Halloween was on Monday and Dianne and I had fun handing out candy to all the costumed little kiddies who stopped by on Monday evening. We’ve had warm weather this week and I even managed to get out and play 9 holes of golf on Thursday. It was sunny and 65. A nice fall day. Dianne was my designated golf cart driver and did well, as soon as she figured out how to apply the brake.
I celebrated my 72nd birthday a few weeks ago and received a funny card from my brother, Nate. It’s a parody of the AA serenity prayer. It went like this: Senior Birthday Prayer – God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do … and the eyesight to tell the difference!
I’m enjoying watching the baseball World Series, between Houston and Philadelphia. I’m routing for the Phillies, but won’t be unhappy to see Dusty Baker finally win it all, if the Astros win. I’m also enjoying watching the early season wins of my Boston Bruins. Poor Dianne; she’s wondering if there is any day when sports are not on TV. I’ve told her that there are a few days in July when that happens. She doesn’t seem to be reassured by that.
On the 15th of October, Dianne and I hosted an outdoor party for all our family and friends who were not invited to our small wedding in August. We had about 70 attendees and beautiful warm sunny weather. Everyone seemed to have a good time. It was fun and a nice celebration for us with our friends and family.
I find it interesting that a lot of the tgif material that I receive is about “getting old”.
Groan Older???
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I thought growing older would take longer.
My bucket list: keep breathing.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "close enough.."
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: Wake up……. Nailed it!
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
One minute you're young and fun. Next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn't have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on!
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 9 hours and 20 minutes.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older but this is not what I expected!
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember... don't sing!
I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story anyway.
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This Spud’s For You!
A girl Potato and boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato which they called 'Yam,' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam, and when it was time they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of tater tots.
Yam said not to worry, no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her, but on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.....
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK!
Here it is!
" A COMMONTATER "
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Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
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The Mother-in-law
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
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Why parents go grey
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper, answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me.”
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TGIF Golden Classic
Yesterday I was at my local Checkers store buying a large bag of Epol dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Epol Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Epol nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the pavement to sniff a Bull Terrier's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Checkers.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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That was an old one, but always a good one.
The leaves have mostly all fallen off the trees now and it’s getting to be “stick season”. It’s that dull, overcast time between fall and winter. We did have good colorful foliage this year, which peaked around here between 10 and 15 October. I’m now starting to look forward to my long trip to Cape Town, South Africa in early December to visit daughter Joya and son-in-law Chris, at the beginning of their summer. Youngest son Phil will also be there over many of the same days. That will be fun. And Martha (Pam’s sister) and her husband Fred, are also going to be there over many of those same days. It should be fun.
I guess that’s all for this issue. Don’t forget to share with me good ones that you receive.
Have a nice Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
