Greetings to all and at this end of January, and with the first issue of a TGIF message, I wish you all a Happy New Year! Since I have not been very regular with one of these weekly messages, I’ve decided to call this one: Thank God It’s February (well; almost!).
My kids spent their Christmas’s with their significant other families and Dianne and I enjoyed our time here. But over the second weekend of January, all my kids were here with 2 of 3 of their significant others. We skied and went out for dinner (to celebrate Joya’s birthday) and had a lot of fun together. Joya and Chris left their dog, Hildi, with me upon their departure after that weekend for South Africa. She had to undergo a number of tests (blood, etc.) before she could depart and a final vet’s visit and documents sent to USDA for approval, etc. I had Hildi here for about 2 weeks before I delivered her to Jonathan near New York where he took her to JFK and turned her over to her Pet Mover handlers for her flight to Amsterdam and then on to Capetown, SA. Chris and Joya are attending the University of Capetown for some advanced degrees. The good news is that Hildi endured that long trip and is now safely with Joya and Chris. The vet here said that we were imposing cruel and inhumane punishment on her to have her go through that long ordeal of flying from here to there. She suggested that I should just keep Hildi here and have Joya buy a dog in South Africa for their stay there. I think Hildi enjoyed her stay here with me (although the cold and snow were not so great for her), but she is much happier with her real parents now in Capetown.
So, how can we avoid the Impeachment Hearings, etc.??? I get tired of it often and put on some music to listen to instead of all the blustering by Dems and Reps. We are now just on the verge of deciding whether the Senate will agree to witnesses. Seems to me like they should. Those that are pertinent – like John Bolton. We’ll see.
It seems, though, that politicians have always been, …. Well, politicians.
Politicians
Looks like much in politics has not changed over the years!
Apolitical Aphorisms
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced;go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
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Commandments for Growing Old
The 10 + 6 Commandments of Growing Old
#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need the Advice of an Expert.
#2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need DUMB ASS people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for Idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - You have days when your life is just ONE tent away from a circus.
#7 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does Muffle the sound.
#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so Dam much older than you.
#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.
#12 - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13 - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.
#14 - You thought growing old would take longer.
#15 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#16 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
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Your Parrot Is Dead
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
mmmm 'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made R580 XD golf club.'
SILENCE . .. . . . . ... . . LONG SILENCE . . .. . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!!'
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Sex Quotes
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”
Frank Sinatra
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Bob Hope
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
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TGIF Golden Classic
A lady goes to her Priest one day and says - 'Father, I have a problem - I have two female talking parrots but they only say one thing.
'What do they say?' the Priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're Hookers - want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the Priest exclaimed - and then he scratched his head and thought for a moment ...
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and to recite the Rosary. Why don't you bring your two parrots over to the Presbytery and we'll put them in with 'St Francis' and 'St Peter'.
My parrots could then teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots might cease their obscene behavior.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'I'm willing to give it a try.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Presbytery, and as the Priest ushered her in. She saw his two male parrots in their cage holding Rosary Beads and praying.
Impressed, the lady walked over and placed her parrots in the cage with them.
After a minute, the female parrots exclaimed - 'Hi, we're Hookers - want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence!
Then one male parrot looked up at his mate sitting on a perch above and said -
'Better put the Rosary Beads away Frank - looks like our Prayers have been answered at long last!'
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At this rate, I may accumulate enough material to issue a TGI message about once a month. Hope that is okay with you all. If you’d like them more often, then send me some useable material. The next one might be TGIM (March) at this rate.
Have a nice Friday and weekend and February.
TGI-Jeff
