Greetings on this last day of the workweek. It’s Friday – Thank God!
For many of you, it is Good Friday, and a holiday, but I will still issue this, knowing you can read it in the coming days.
I’ve always loved Fridays. Especially when I was working 40 or 50 or more hours per week. Because I experienced that anticipation of a nice weekend that was approaching. Even if you still had to work in some fashion on the last day of the week, somehow it was easier knowing that you were going to have 48 hours or so where you didn’t have to worry about work over the weekend. Being with family and/or going out with friends for drinks or dinner, it was a nice time to get away from the stress of the “job”!
This is my first message since February 1st. That’s a long time. But I’m trying to get back in the saddle.
I learned on February 3rd that my sister (who has lived in San Diego since 1992) was very ill and hospitalized. My brother, who lives in Colorado, first went to attend to her. When she seemed to be deteriorating, I then flew out to San Diego to join him, and my son Philip (who lives in San Diego). She was suffering from COPD issues and eventually died on February 11th from complications from COPD and a viral pneumonia.
As you can imagine, it’s hard to lose a younger sister. I’ve been dealing with that since then and haven’t really been in the mood to issue a TGIF message. I remember having the same feeling after 9-11, and maybe the election of the Donald, where I didn’t really feel good about things – and drafting a TGIF message was not really a priority.
But a few of you have wondered where I’ve been and missed seeing a weekly TGIF message.
So, I looked at my tgif gmail inbox tonight and found a few good ones to share. I especially need to thank Debba for several of the punny ones that I’m including today.
This last week we all here in the USA had to file our tax returns for 2018. Ugh!
The Tax Season Funnies: Worst Video Game Ever
--Tax advisors tell you to be audit you can be.
--The American taxpayers wouldn't object to free transportation for certain government officials if they'd go where we wish they would.
--Nowadays the world revolves on its taxes.
--Turbo Tax is the worst video game ever.
--I’ve never visited the Internal Revenue Service building in Washington. I imagine the inside to be a labyrinth, adorned by gargoyles and lit torches. A steady drip of water echoes. Steam rises from the damp floor. The walls are moist, jagged rocks.
That would certainly explain a lot, especially if you’ve ever tried to resolve a problem with the gatekeepers of the Seventh Circle.... – Lancaster Online 4-15-17
--Why don't we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician's house? Professional courtesy. – Courtesy of Michael Lied
--The United States has a system of taxation by confession. – Hugo Black, Supreme Court Justice
--Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.” — F. J. Raymond, humorist
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Quote of the Day
Leadership is a combination of strategy and character. If you must be without one, be without the strategy.
~ Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf
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One Liners
I don't mean to brag, but, I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
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Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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The Kindness of the Irish
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later, "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself,
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot fool category.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself,
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot fool category.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
Amen!
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$2.99 SPECIAL
I love it........................... .....
If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet......
God willing, someday you will be.....
The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress..
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
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The Nudist Colony
There was a Naturist colony (nudist camp) located near the edge of a lake in Northern Ontario. Every day, people would picnic beside the lake and Bird watch. The main attraction was a great blue Heron, which would land right near the birdwatchers. After a while he'd sneak up on people and stick his long beak into their beer, wine coolers vodkas, you name it. If it had alcohol he would drink all of it. After which, he would be extremely drunk and act very much like a seagull, grabbing people's food and being loud.
This became a problem, so one day they decided they would trap it and release it somewhere else. Every time they tried, it would see them and take off in the opposite direction. They tried everything until one day someone realized that maybe the bird was afraid of totally naked people. So the next time they all dressed up and sure enough caught the bird… This story features clothed capturing for the Heron impaired.
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Spring Tuning?
A church plans to have a piano recital. The morning of that day, the guest pianist arrived to practice, but found the piano was very out of tune. She wouldn’t perform on that instrument until it was tuned.
The minister didn’t know what to do. He left the building and started walking the street, sitting on a bench looking dejected.
At that moment a homeless man passed by. Noticing the pastor’s stance, he inquired. The minister pretty much told everything to the bum, who reached into a pocket and handed the reverend a business card.
On the card was the name “Oppernockitee. Piano Tuning,” and a number.
Thanking the man, the minister rushed back to his study at the church and dialed the number. In less than an hour, Oppernockitee had arrived, tuned the piano, and left in a hurry.
The pianist was impressed. The recital was a success, with commentary on a grand scale. “Never sounded better,” one said.
The piano was used frequently after that for services. A year advanced, and a recital with the same musician was planned. And just like the year before, the piano needed tuning. Again.
The minister found the card, but got no answer. Frustrated, he walked the street again. Same expression, same bench…and soon, the same homeless man.
The pastor mentioned the situation to the bum, who replied, “I knew you’d be back.”
“How so?”
“You never looked at the back of the card, do you?”
Shaking his head, the parson flipped the card over, only to read,
“Oppernockitee tunes but once.”
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That’s the type of joke my sister appreciated. We both liked puns and plays on words.
Which reminds me: Do you know what a Shakespeare upon a Webster is?
Isn’t it obvious? It’s a “play on words”!!!
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Here’s another one!
Mathematically Speaking
Three native American women were about to give birth. One was going to give birth on a caribou hide. One was going to use a deerskin. The third had a fancy, imported hippo hide that she was going to use.
The first gave birth to a son that was 5 pounds. The second also gave birth to a son that was 5 pounds. The last woman gave birth to a son that was 10 pounds.
When the chief was told he already knew that this would happen. One of his braves asked, “How did you get so wise, chief?”
The chief replied, “The son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other 2 hides.”
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Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!
Remember to live each day as if it could be your last. And treasure each day – rain or shine.
TGI-Jeff
