Greetings once again (I’m on a streak!) at the end of the first month of 2019 and the first day of February. It’s a Friday! TGIF! I doubt I will be able to keep up this pace as once again I seem to have used most of the good stuff I’ve received that is worth sharing. Today’s issue has some oldies-but-goodies that I hope you’ll enjoy. If you don’t, well, the heck with you! What have YOU done for me lately?
Here in Vermont it has been a week of more snow (anywhere from 5 to 8 inches or more in most locales early in the week) and that was followed by some very cold temperatures that continue through today.
It was also 50 years ago this week that the Beatles went up on the roof in London and performed their last concert together as a group – although a spontaneous one. John Lennon famously said at the end, when the Police finally shut it down, “I hope we passed the audition!”.
A few weeks ago I shared a local news story about a guy from Arizona (Will Novak) who had been accidentally sent an email invitation to a bachelor’s party in Vermont for a guy named Angelo who was from New Jersey. The intended recipient of the email was one of Angelo’s friends, Bill Novak, but the brother of the groom ended up sending the invite email to a complete stranger, a Will Novak, who lives in Phoenix. Will responded that he’d be honored to attend the bachelor party. And so it transpired.
The bachelor party organizers decided to go through with the invite and Will started a Go-Fund-Me to raise funds for the trip from Arizona to Vermont to attend. By the way, the party was held at the ski area nearby where I ski, which is Okemo, in nearby Ludlow, Vermont. It’s also worth noting that Will is a 35-year old married man with a wife and toddler. He needed about $3,000 for the trip and due to the media frenzy about this unusual happening, he raised more that $5,000. (He donated the balance to Angelo and his bride!)
So, what actually happened? Here is a brief synopsis of the crazy weekend for Will in Vermont, attending a bachelor party for someone he didn’t know:
There was a stolen Maserati and a dislocated shoulder, but overall the viral “stranger at the bachelor party” story ended well. It seems that the story about the stranger at the bachelor party was a welcome distraction for an eager nation. (Especially one that was confronted with Government Shutdown!)
Will amassed about 10,000 Instagram friends and it was national news. He got to ski with the others in the bachelor party, although he hadn’t skied in years and as a non-drinker, he served the bachelor party as the designated driver. They had rented a Maserati SUV which he drove. At one bar where the bachelor party members were attending, a number of inebriated women (no links to the party) where trying to call an Uber to get a ride back to their hotel. But they claimed that there was no cell phone service. So, nice guy Will offered to drive them there. He drove the Maserati up to the door and left it idling while he went inside to coax the women out to it. When he exited, the Maserati wasn’t there. But, fortunately for him (and Angelo’s group) it was returned a few minutes later by another inebriated guy who just had to take it for a spin around the block.
And the guy who was supposed to have received that initial email, a Bill Novak of Brooklyn, just happened to dislocate his shoulder while skiing. But it seems that the two Novaks, Will and Bill, hit it off really well. So, Will survived the weekend and is now safely back in Arizona with his wife and baby.
* * * * *
Sometimes when I look over the material that I choose to use, I see a theme. In today’s offering, I see a theme of teachers.
February is Black History month and it is also the shortest month and it is also the month with Ground Hog Day, Valentine’s Day and President’s Day.
I just got this one from an old friend who is a retired teacher:
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It’s Presidents’ Day!"
She’s smart, so I asked her, "What does Presidents’ Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents’ Day is when the president steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
* * * * *
February
Abe Lincoln and George Washington were also born in February (12th and 22nd, respectively), and that’s why we celebrate President’s Day on the third Monday in each February. However, Ground Hog Day is the 2nd of February and is near one of those times that is halfway between the solstices/equinoxes. In this case, mid-way between the northern hemisphere winter solstice and the vernal equinox (springtime).
It’s during this time of the year up here in the cold north that many souls travel south to spend some time to get away from the bitter cold.
Speaking of bitter cold, this week has seen some of the coldest temperatures in history for the upper Midwest down through the Southeast. An Arctic Vortex descended to the upper Midwest a few days ago and there were temperatures in Minnesota, Wisconsin and Illinois that were in the minus 20 range with a wind chill factor of minus 50. Extreme danger of frostbite, etc. Even the Post Office shut down service on a few days as did schools and other public services.
Chicago was one of the cities the most affected by this extreme cold weather this week.
HOMEMESICK SNOWBIRD
At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I Miss Chicago"
Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"
At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I Miss Chicago"
Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"
* * * * *
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
* * * * *
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
* * * * *
And speaking of buses:
The Zipper
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and, again, was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you but, after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
* * * * *
WISDOM
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to see if the lifeboat floats.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ W H Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ George Roberts.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire—I'm a billionaire.
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire—I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb..
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
* * * * *
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+
* * * * *
Teaching
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria
Teacher: Glen, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir; it's the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
* * * * *
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking!"
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking!"
* * * * *
This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday and I’m sure that most of the country is fed up with the overwhelming success of the New England Patriots, and its head coach, Bill Bellicek, and its’ star quarterback, 41-year old Tom Brady, but this is the third consecutive Super Bowl for them. Tom is out to win his 6th. But for us Pats fans, we are impressed by their team success and hope that they can win one more. Go Pats!
Have a nice Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
